Friday, 15 March 2013

I Will Smile Again..

No reason will be realistic on why it happened  i must admit am loosing my cool, am getting nervous i think i will not be a case study of those who were betrayed and stayed put with an encouragement of forgiveness. I have tried, m trying but i keep wetting my pillow over it. I cant get over the fact that i lived a lie for so long. I hate myself for not being so naive and believing everything i was told. 

I remember one time he told me we need to have a break and think things over, i agreed, what i didn't know is that he was actually breaking up with me for the other girl, i wish the 'break was forever, but i think i was naive'.This even hurts me more.

When you travel the road of betrayal, only you understand. It is the most painful journey you wouldn't even wish an enemy to go through. It is a rough rocky road with no map. It is the worst experience any one can under go. you see i had heard people talk about it but never it never occurred to me i would be wearing the shoes. they pinch hard. 

I still feel the reasons he has given me so far aren't satisfactory. No matter what, i still  feel so betrayed, i cant even forgive myself. i have let myself down, i believed so much lies despite the writing on the wall. i literally stopped living and lived for someone who was busy entertaining others. 

Although it happened 3 years back and only came to learn about it 8 months ago, i feel like it has just happened this morning. Many times i asked him if all is well and at one time he swore nothing had ever happened. If i never bumped into the messages i would still be the naive fool at least in his eyes. 

lying to me was wrong, acting all good and innocent was selfish. Now look what he has done, he has destroyed our family. He has lost my trust. how do i live with someone i no longer trust, can i 

I don't know if i will go all the way with him. I may come to regret having not left. i would rather leave have a better environment than stay, whereas i believe someone would  treat me better, but there is an issue, my trust is all gone. my heart is so guarded now that one will have to work so hard to get it.

Am so worthy, he doesn't deserve me, and he has often hinted but as usual i let myself be walked over. I don''t blame him, i gave him the permission to  mistreat me. 
When faced with this, you will get all kinds of advise,:

  • get professional help
  • Forgive and forget
  • move on
  • keep your dignity and give them up

I wish it was possible to live a normal life, i wish i never got to read the messages, i wish i heeded to his call of calling it off on Dec 31 2009. I meant nothing to him then, he has gone to accept me and love me but when i did love him unconditionally he was doing the opposite. he may have won then, but he has lost miserably.

It is so hard to hold onto our relationship while am no longer into it. He deserves someone who can trust him fully. someone who will not hold back.

I too deserve better, our children will come to understand, i feel for them though. The parents who brought them forth should bring them up together, but mum isn't happy. she is hurting.

After all these is said and done, i will smile again..i really long for that day.

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