Tuesday, 18 December 2012

Am Packing

Am packing all that belong to me
I think i may be slowly brooding myself for a worse heartbreak
I wished for a happy home, a great marriage better than all i had ever seen
I dreamed of a good husband,
one who would always be true to me
One who would keep his word
One who would respect me
One who would drink occasionally,
I got into this marriage blindly,
I thought things would change, that was my mistake.
This is the beginning of a long journey, a safari that will need loads of energy and strength. Its amazing what we our children go through because of our choices.
I believe i need not to stay with an emotional abuser for the sake of the kids
I need not sacrifice my happiness
I know someone can treat me better
I can find one
I can do better
I stopped so low but i need to stand for what i believed in.
I need to fly higher

Monday, 17 December 2012

I Need You to Know..

I need to feel your love
but i dont
I need you to be honest with me
you have so many secrets am afraid, i see my heart in pieces once more
Am afraid time isnt on my side
I want you to tell your friends am your lady
but for obvious reasons you cant
I need you to acknowledge my presence in your life
 am just but a suitor for the moment
I need you to know that i love you,
and you must be aware it comes once in a lifetime
I need you to know i don't like the way you treat life
I need you to know forgiveness has a limit
I need you to know once a mistake is repeated we call that ignorance
and am not here to wait for that
I need you to know someone would want to have by his side all his life
He says he would treat me better
By look of things, i kinda trust him
He is a complete opposite of you
He may turn out to be a good cookie
I need you to think about you and me over
am about to make a decision that will alter our lives, for good.
I still need you not to take me for granted,
I also need you to know that my Love will last
i may not forever be beside you,
People evolve, People move on, People change, as they search for happiness

Saturday, 15 December 2012

A good wherever You go

Its amazing how our minds work. Once you decide to focus on the positive all that you see is goodness.
You get to see a good in every  awful situation. A positive attitude can take you where education cannot.
No matter what you face, face it with a calm and peaceful mind, Do not let nothing bring you down.
At the adverse of calamities, despair grows, frustrations occur but your ability  o survive is heightened. You will always conquer all odds
When you feel you have reached your end, The LORD whispers you have just began.
Live wisely

Wednesday, 12 December 2012

Low Key

Am so low today a lot is going through my mind. i kinda feel not appreciated and it takes me thinking why i let myself be walked over all the time.
In a span of days i feel like i want to retreat and start my life once again
This is a struggle, Forgiveness is a fight that i must win otherwise it will weigh me down.
It always very difficult to forget someone who have given you so much to remember. I got a past to show for it. I got two beautiful;l children to show, he will forever be part of me, all my days. I wish i could go back and wouldn't even date him.
Its hard for me not to associate every little thing he does from his past. I have placed a tag on his neck that bears his mistakes.
Am not being fair but i cant help it
I know i need o focus on the good, be positive but i know when i get back home i may find a better enviroment

Tuesday, 11 December 2012

Foundation of Forgiveness

We need to forgive:
  • For things done to us
  • For things said about us
Where there is betrayal forgiveness is close

For things done to us
  • Happens when a person very dear to us breaks trust we got for them
For things said about us
  • Happens when the very dearest talk ill behind our backs
Whether you decide to stay r leave after any kind of betrayal. forgiveness is paramount. I will focus on those who decide to stay. You should ONLY opt to stay when the other party is willing to mend their ways.

Often, we will encounter betrayal, what matters most is how we react, at least that is in our capacity to control.
Forgiveness is a very wide topic. It is our day to day life. It involves disengaging with all the anger, resentments, pain, heartaches that you may have accumulated all years. Its a new beginning. A new slippery walk. You've got to have the stamina to achieve the results.

Forgiveness is holding a funeral for all the injustices done to you and burying them. It involves self love. You need to accept it wasn't your fault. Its a choice they made anyway oblivious of  the consequences. Its very sad you are the bearer of the consequences.

We all react differently when faced with such i.e

  • Walk Away
  • Play Victim
  • Play Judge
  • Withdraw in anger
  • Verbal and Emotional abuse
  • Silence
  • Blame
  • Live in denial
All of the above result in more anguish leaving you almost helpless. If you feel angry, hurt isn't time to talk about it. You have got to wait till you are calm, at least. You must not remain mum about the issue, it will destroy you. You must let the other party explain and be a great listener. It will be a moment of truth, most likely they will bear it all as their actions aren't a secret anymore.

Don't argue much, it will drain your energy . Don't play victim, it will strain your mind, it was out of your control. Don't play judge, you have no clue on why they did what they did. 

They could be remorseful of their actions but they sure need to explain breach of contract. You must not let yourself feel helpless

The most important thing is you, despite being wronged. Two wrongs don't make a right, restrain from name calling. Time is a healer, it has healed wounded souls, it reveals hidden secrets, it unearths a dark past. Give everything time. Time ensures forgiveness finds its path

Self-abuse is declaring war on the accused. You are capable of handling the worst betrayal. You have been designed to get a solution to anything that comes your way. think about the worst thing that ever happened to you. Are n't you glad you sailed through? do the same. learn and move on.

Acknowledge your emotional breakdown, this is the first step to liberty.
Acceptance teaches how to let go. Its a food for your soul.

No one can formulate forgiveness, its invaluable. Once you take that route you don't go back. Its an act of faith, that cleanses a soiled heart.

You must not worry what the other person will think if you decide not to up their expectations. Its your happiness that matter after all. Be a believer that you can rise above the heights of obstacles that come your way. Be confident in your own decision making, listen to your heart, you will never go wrong. There will be no room for wishful thinking.

Forgiveness open doors of Love, shuts doors of bitterness, seals resentments and keeps the hope alive. you need to resist.

Being focused towards the goal will surely keep you determined and you will have the energy to fight on when things are grey. Remind yourself why you need this so bad. Do a list of the good that you will reap, meditate on that.

Keep doing things that will motivate you stay positive.  You have got to know forgiveness is not a feeling but a choice, that you agree to live with the consequences of  other person's error. It is your obligation to ensure you have found new peace.

Its not over yet until you can trust again, Its not the end if you still harbor ill feelings about the offender. The day you look back and laugh off at how far you have come, you are over it. When you meet your betrayer and you got lots of peace within and still you can share a joke, you are healed.

Cheating is a serial killer, it robs one joy, it destroys relationships, it kills family ties it haunts one forever.  Forgiving a spouse who has cheated on you, can be self-destructive. you are always worrying. We all are different though, if you are able to forgive and still live with them, Bless you, you are among the few. a cheater should only be forgiven if he has shown remorse and even went further to seek for  professional help.

If you have can't trust someone, you just cant love them, you have got to let them go. Trust is the most important thing in any relationship. Good byes are difficult, But they sure are worth it. You get a chance to explore.

I have become a trust enemy. My hubby's every move translates to infidelity  that is excusable, i feel he is not doing enough to gain my trust once more. He has kinda left me out naked to sort me out  i do feel loner in this relationship. the other day, i woke up felt the urge to go home and off i went. Of course i have made some difficult and expensive decisions out of anger only to regret later. We did get through the matter and the only thing that still linger, he said, " Joan, i know you still believe in us, I will not let our Love die, i will personally fight for it"
"I have not been doing my part(Am sorry)". That did sound like someone who have made up their mind. Isn't easy to have someone commit, am blessed.

That kinda calmed my fears, i did feel like he left all to me, to figure it out. I feel like he took me for granted, he took my forgiveness for a right. I did feel hurt. I was done trying to make the marriage work. He didn't take my Regret letter for an answer, he in fact told me we got so many unresolved issues that we need to tackle, and its true.

Its amazing how much my spouse knows me. We communicate even without a conversation and that is a good sign, we connect despite all hurdles.He feels my commitment to forgiveness, he feels my pain, i see remorse and i want to give it a chance. When you love someone, you go to unbelievable heights to make a relationship work.

My spouse was only twenty, when we had our first born. He was young, radiant, full of life and now was faced with responsibility. He told me the other day that he didn't have any one to hang on for comfort, he was traumatized  and an affair although it did break his heart it was the only way of pressure release. He identifies with any brother who has the same experience as his. I still feel it was a   stupid, unhealthy and selfish decision, that we all are feeling the consequences. The

I do try not to get  defensive, isn't easy though. we both need a healthy relationship, w need to get matters solved soberly. When i get off the line, he brings me back, at least he knows am healing. He too is on the change process.he needs to let his guard down, he needs to show what he really feels. that is the only way we can build a future. My trust gains a pound a day, its a process. He doesn't mind being held accountable for anything that would be alarming, a good sign of a man who is ready to change.

Signs of a changing spouse
  • Accountable if alarm goes off
  • You still have a connection
  • One who is ready to submit to professional help
  • One who doesn't mind giving up his security rights i.e passwords
Life would sure not be the same after a painful experience but you sure can get over it. Accept you cant change what happened  Life goes on anyway  you may even have a better living after the experience as you are now a learnt fellow. Don't worry about what hasn't happened, trust again, love again if you must. Forgive and take charge of your life. you will not regret your decision to make a bold step.

Don't suppress your feelings, if you are sad tell it. If you have given it a go with your spouse, tell them when you are unhappy, what you feel, why you may be sad.it does work wonders.
 changing to a new it doesn't happen in a day, its a process. When you feel frail, talk to someone you can trust, one who will provide a shoulder. at times that all we want. Yo

We have all been hurt, we all react differently but we do share a common value..forgiveness. we all need to forgive the person who hurt us and also deal with the act. Overcome the urge to drown in your own fears, trust the power within you to move mountains. Prayer always calms a shaken soul, be positive no matter what stay positive.

Hope for a better you, Believe you can grow out of the sorrowing cloud, there is grimace of hope, look at the rainbow. Its always good to associate yourself with the people who will help you grow. Avoid the negative energy, focus on a better happy future.

Remember The good Lord above is always with you and will give you the strength to cope. Stay real to yourself, Smell roses when you can, appreciate the little beautiful things that come your way.

It is rewarding to be aware of your environment, there are things that can make your coping detrimental, friends can be good and ugly. Focus on the good, look forward to be a better tomorrow. Learn from every experience, teach yourself not to hold on any grudge, learn how not t resent, keep working on growing yourself to be  a better person, one whom anger will fly at your sight.

Resentments destroy our lives, it deterioration our health. Many are terminally ill because they are holding on to something that should have been dealt with years back. You have got to break the cycle, you have got to expose your fear, you have got to deny feeling guilty for their mistake, remember it was their choice, you did nothing wrong.

Relationships have been broken, families are in turmoil because everyone is battling within. we need to ask tough questions if we need to get along this unpredictable life.
At times you may feel exhausted, and the only option would be to give up, you just need to hang on, there is power and strength within  yourself, you can move around.

Always when hope is grim, despair takes control and you are left for the dead, things usually take a turn. You can begin again with what remains. Everything under the universe wasn't built in a day, some took years. why would you want to be an exception, unwrap your life one day at a time. It can be frustrating if you want to do ten years job within a day.

When you get your healing path things get easier to understand, things change, friends turn foe, family neglect you but you get stronger cos they don't stop your life unless you let them. Anybody who has  traveled this road knows very well how forgiving can be time consuming, u feel caged, frustrated, disappointed  who said forgiveness is easy? but it is the best gift you can give to yourself. Betrayal is inevitable, how you handle it is optional. You must strive to get over it with a calm mind, you emerge stronger.

A nagging thought 'it was my fault' can be haunting, it keeps ringing every hour but you have got to stamp on it and listen to your heart lots of inspiration would be oozing from it. Do what will help you grow, write a book, indulge in a new hobby, join a support group, seek therapy, there are lots of options to help you get over it. Always imagine yourself inspiring others wearing a smile cos it will happen someday.

Its never the end, unless you declare it to be, let it be your beginning, its your dawn, A new Morning, A new day, fill in the blanks with  a positive attitude. Acceptance saves you from depression, don't let it rule over you, be the master and say no to pain. You must embrace your feelings, if you feel hurt deal with it, if you feel you like crying please do, everything will turn out good.

You must become a fighter, you must soldier on, you must never give up on what you believe in, you must always focus on the goal. You must not let nothing stop you, even when you feel frail and out of strength soldier on. You must get your way out, there is always a way out of every obstacle, figure it out, get creative, do what you must do. There is unspoken joy after a struggle, i assure  you, you will appreciate yourself more.

Hate and anger does cause pain and resentment that only do harm to you, you have got to let go what you still holding on if it is negative..choose today to be set free. Free from your wicked past, free from betrayal. The willingness to punish your offender always result in disappointment  cos they don't react as you want them to.

I have used tough and strong language against my spouse, it always backfires on me, it hurts him and i end getting hurt more, one for saying them words and second for seeing the damage i do to our relationship.

I made a decision to let myself heal, to trust him,he gave me every reason to. Whenever thoughts of doubts would cross my mind, i would gladly shut them off, i had already given them enough room and it was time to deal with them. You feel whole again, you feel free. Life gets a new meaning.

You have a relationship to protect, it could be with yourself and others, you need to forgive yourself before you can extend it to others. Forgiveness is two way. You may also be the betrayer whom guiltiness has taken a toll on. Forgive yourself and learn from the mistake. Any one else who comes into your life, treat them better.

Always focus on the end result, you will not loose focus. As you embark on the healing lane, be conscious of your reaction to different situations in your life. You must not let the victim in you influence you in making hasty and bad decisions. If there is no peace within ourselves we tend to make decisions we would normally not do and they can be expensive. i have traveled that road i can ascertain that.

Holding onto un forgiveness steals your vision as you tend to focus much on anger, hurt, resentment. You have got to get out of the smoky house and wipe out them tears, you will otherwise be suffocated.

Be fair to yourself, acknowledge the reality-you have been hurt or you have a hurt a soul, you need time to heal, its a process, live a day at a time. Don't get disappointed when you get to the route of doubting yourself to trust again. It is part of the process.

There is part of us that love to hold on to a grudge, we feel its justifiable  playing victim massages our ego but we in fact do more harm to ourselves. People too take time to change a habit, give yourself and others ample time. Expect imperfection from them, give room for mistakes and you will be happier understanding than confronting, but i don't mean you let yourself be disrespected.

You must be ready to work on your vices and every day practice on how to overcome them. If you get back to the start, do it again, do what works for you, focus on the good. Compliment yourself when you go for a day without fail, cos i know it aint easy.

Once i discovered what my spouse had done, i got into a habit of checking his phone just to be sure, because my mind was still bruised all i saw was infidelity  and did take a toil on me and our relationship, we constantly fought battles that should have been there. We were headed to a battle zone until he sat me down and told me, i got to trust him, what i was doing was hurting what we were trying to build again. I promised myself never to sneak into his in-boxes ,to date am on a clean state and things changed.

You are the only person who knows yourself best, no explanations would make anyone understand you. Don't let unhappy thought distract your blessed day, Never let an opinion weigh you down, people don't know what you are going through, ignore them. Don't seek any one's advise, most will tend to be biased. if you have decided to forgive your spouse, you are the only person who understands your decision. If you decide to leave, oblivious of a non-remorseful partner  get out quietly and deal with the stresses of separation else where. You know best what is best for you, listen to yourself. you know best about the cons and pros of your decision.

While you are on the journey of forgiveness,do appreciate yourself more, you may have never imagined this would happen to you, like i did. You get to discover how prepared you are when a calamity strikes, you feel proud of yourself.

Focus on the positive aspects of life, don't let the negative ones destroy your joy. Accept your concern for the fear and butterflies that will oftentimes fill your stomach. Learn to live true to yourself and when the betrayer makes changes to make you happy, tell them and be grateful.This will  encourage them to even please you more.

Let forgiveness drive out anger, all the resentments, and let the clean beautiful soul remain. Replace the pain you feel with a loving heart. Let love be the judge. Be the change you want to see in your relationship. If you want to see things change, you must be willing to go an extra mile, you must take the first step..at the end of the road every experience you have been through and every tear as you sailed through the rugged seas, it will be worth it.

You may go through a phase where you feel you can trust as you did, you cant hold on as you used to. You may not have much strength to trust any promises from them especially, change of character. Some how you will always feel afraid of the unknown especially another heart break. i have been there done that and am better now. Am amazed by myself, on how much i haave been able to heal and rebuild my trust for my spouse. i no longer feel like it ios necessary to spy on him. It finally feels home.

Its so difficult to focus on forgiveness when your spouse constantly does the same things that lead to infidelity. They make you loose interest in them
even love can be re-born

I do feel like i would be betraying myself by leaving my spouse. i would leave him vulnerable  up for worse. He got so much in his closet that if i left he would feel so naked. But am not his keeper, i feel i assist him get sober, but that's my problem, i think i can fix him. the bitter truth is that, i cannot. He has made his choices to be selfish and the consequences zero down to me.

Things don't always happen as planned. Ensure you got a plan B, just in case.A change is a process, be kind to yourself and others.They are like baby steps, you stand you fall, you crawl, the joint hurts, you fall so many times till you walk. we all know it  isn't easy  you need loads and tonnes of patience especially with yourself cos when your insecurity turns up you hurt people and ends up getting hurt even more. You tend to hate yourself but be good to yourself.

As you embark on this journey of forgiveness you tend to have so many questions, and you risk being a nag. Watch the kind of questions you ask if they are often its time to focus on something else. Focus more on yourself, once you are comfortable with yourself it is easy to cope with the significant other.

Differences never drew couples apart, the handling of the differences is the culprit. Deal with the issue and not the person(although it is difficult not to associate the doer with the action). They should be a lesson to both parties on the responsibilities in the relationship.

All successful and happy relationships consist of compromise, sacrifice, communication, constant forgiveness and understanding, loads of compliments and use of the magical words(please, thank you). Great relationships are not only hard work but TOO. Avoid resentments at all costs, they damage happy people, always communicate your feelings. Your partner will appreciate your effort to sort out things other than being mum and unresponsive, i can ascertain these.

You must believe in yourself, in your spouse and your union if you need to see maturity. If you believe in something, you always strive to be at your best, you will reap the great fruits, dont you despair. With Love no obstacle should be a hurdle, Love conquered the worst battle, it can fight for your marriage, it can fight for your friendship, it will do it for you just let it be.

Keep vigilant of the things that bring conflict, avoid them. Although human nature is to rebel, be the person your spouse loves to hang around with. Be kinder, what they love do it more. Let the misunderstandings you face be challenges that will let you be creative dynamic in your solving skills.Same problems can be solved differently every time. Avoid the attack phrases that tend to stretch you two even further apart, remember at the end of the day you still need your spouse. You don't want to leave them bruised with hurtful words that you said to them.

When times are tough always get to see a good in every negative. Believe in yourself, your confidence will attract your life desires. You get what you are looking for. Strive for the best marriage, strive to be the best employee/er, treat people with care and concern. Forgiveness heals wounded careers, it restores ailing personalities. A grudge imprisons you to a cage of unhappiness, terminal illness, make a decision to forgive yourself and others.

Most of us are guilty not because we hurt others but cos we let ourselves down. We are our own enemy, we must let go and forgive ourselves. when you feel like you are running out of energy, surround yourself with positive environment  have faith in yourself. You must be happy and at peace with yourself if you want to be happy in your relationships.

As opposed to seeing what your partner is contributing to the problem, be the solution focused person, you could be the problem. Wear their shoe too, spend a day in their world, yo may learn something about them that you never had. Truth be told, people don't decide to be unfaithful, friendships don't just break, there is always a series of negative energy that been built up. It is advisable to work on disagreements head on. Resentments should never find a room in your heart. Learn to be a good communicator.

Appreciate yourself more, Invest in you, The people who hurt you may not always understand their selfish behavior did have consequential outcome, they may never apologize or even make an effort to change. It isn't your business what they do, deal with yourself let them go, life has its own way of revenge.

Holding on to resentments binds you to that person, you are imprisoned to them, forgiveness gives you freedom. If its your spouse, if you decide to forgive them, don't remind them of the past for a present mistake. Forgiven spouses too battle with guiltiness and it does take a toll on them. they too need to heal. They need your support too as much as you need to hold them accountable for their actions.

Forgiving myself was the best thing i could do to myself. Forgiving my spouse was the best thing i did for our marriage. We are happier, we never get enough of each other, we love each other's company. We are better communicators, better parents, better friends. Blessings in time of disguise.

When you think about your spouse and all that comes in your mind is divorce, please let your feelings be known to them. Have a tete a tete with them. Let your spouse be your confidant, nothing brings happiness to the soul, than knowing someone loves you unconditionally and you can count on them for any kind of support.

Understand your emotions, you will at times be filled with so much doubt about your spouse and like me you feel you will be better if you walked away. I struggled with this issue and am lucky i got a spouse whose resilience towards our marriage has made us even stronger, i never stop to remind him he is the pillar of our marriage, he is the anchor that hold us together. One time after my doubting escapades(they often lead to disagreements that were turned ugly) he asked me
" what will you gain after our break up?"

The best revenge you can do to a person is to forgive them. Let your act of greatness haunt them forever. Often, they learn not to hurt people intentionally. Refuse to feel sorry for yourself, Refuse to be an excuse for their mistake. Refuse to be a door bell to their behavior. Forgive them anyway.

We have impedious power within ourselves. What you feel about yourself have got a great impact on your future. What you see when you are faced with a problem, determines how many will remain in your network. Our subconsciousness seal our fate with our friends with our behavior  Watch what you do, everyone is going through something and they need encouragement  be their support system, do to them what you would love to be done to you.

Every day is a forgiveness day. we all are different personalities, expect different reactions from people, expect different opinions from them and respect it and you will see how well you will get along with them. We often feel frustrated when people don't share our school of thought, our diversity brings harmony. It creates a benefit of doubt, that at times calms our fears.

I love you to bits

Knowing you will always be there is a plus
Every time i look at you, i see a friend who will be with me through thick and thin
When we sit on the couch having dinner, even when we say nothing, we still communicate,
i still can tell what's going through your mind

Watching you play with the kids reminds me how blessed i am
One day our beautiful children will grow and leave us the same way they found us,,just the two of us.  We will be grey then but there will be joy to have had so many years together.
Its great we share so much, a house, a bed, children, it has only brought us closer

I already know what you will say even before you say it
Living together  has brought so much harmony between us that we are just one, we are more than soul mates.
It has not been easy, we have our battles we won some and learnt from others. we get experience and determination to fight those that  are awaiting us.
Our love our bond our relationship is growing everyday, every storm that comes our way tightens the bond.
You are my partner. My friend, My confidant,

Every passing day is a special gift o remind us we got a family to be grateful for,
We always strive to make our marriage work, with loads of selflessness, sacrifice and compromise.
We are determined not to take each other for granted, its our responsibility to ensure our relationship is enriched with love, trust and respect.Its hard work but the benefits are a lifetime.

Its feels great to have you by my side, you are so caring, always concerned although am intending not to tell you what may be disturbing me until i have sorted it out, you worry much and it does affect your health.
We will grey together
Love you much

Monday, 10 December 2012


Life becomes worthwhile once you accept what you cant change
Somethings are out of your control, accept it
It could be your friend didn't change, you may have taken long to know the real them
Dont be a victim, dont play the bl;ame game accept and move on

Sunday, 9 December 2012


Not all happy endings got happy beginnings
Determination and resilience can alter the wildest egos
It sure hurts to see a friend turn to a foe, but look at the positive side of it,  it opens a channel of meeting new even better friends.
You need to grow too. drop them too. Your current life status wouldn't accommodate them.
They have made you the person you are today. Times change, people do even for better, there is definitely a reason they have not made to your future.
Every passing day, you make a choice. If your sad you choose to be, Every successful story has a theme of sacrifice. There was a season of sorrow, but never gave up.
You have got to fight on, you need to always put the armor of hope wherever you go

Letting Go

When you decide to forgive, its a gift to you. you need to realize you have opened a new chapter of your life. You will at times re track to what had happened when the same person wrongs you.
We have all been wronged and betrayed by the people we love
Most of us we are still carrying the baggage of that pain
We analyse it like it did happen few days ago
You may have been betrayed by your sibling,
You may still be in denial that you are no longer friends
Your best friend took off with your husband
You parent may have denied you a decent upbringing affecting your self-esteem
Your relationship with your mama may be stale
Your spouse may have betrayed you
You are struggling with forgiveness because you are in denial. Accepting a loved one broke their trust to you can be detrimental. It does haunt all of us.
Deciding not forgive feels better, it feels justified. But we need to face our fears, you need to figure out what forgiveness will mean to you. Are you afraid of letting go because it would make you helpless or are you afraid you would be hurt again?
You need to forgive to be able to move on, it doesn't really matter
You need to be able to forgive for you to trust again. If the offender shows remorse and is ready to go it again,give them a second chance, you would live to tell a story.
You must not be selfish, you too at one time were forgiven.. do you remember how it made you feel to be forgiven? there is power in forgiveness.
Forgiveness gives you the power and energy to move on. You still can end the relationship and still love and trust again. You don't want to carry grudges with you, they will weigh you down in the new relationships. You need to get better
Always remember it wasn't your fault they did hurt you, it was a choice they made anyway, you are a consequence of their decisions. You should not let it depress you, face it like an eagle, fly away from the carcass (mess)
I admit it. thinking about it, i too do wish it was just a dream. Everyday the feeling of pain demises, i know i will look back and be thankful i gave it a second chance. I was living in a world where people make no mistakes. I was the person who would never ever forgive infidelity  i told my mum that often. I never gave people a chance to do mistakes. Am a perfectionist all round.
This experience has taught me patience, long suffering. It has taken me to the real world where wrongs are made rights.

Thursday, 6 December 2012

Tuesday, 4 December 2012

Well Said

We all need forgiveness and we all need to forgive.
We all have been hurt and feel a grudge would be the best revenge
We all feel we were intentionally wronged/betrayed
Never for a minute do we consider the other parties point of view
We get so judgmental that we forget how special the person is
WE always should deal with the issue and not let it affect our relationship
It was your and their fault, you both contributed
You both need a common ground,
You both need to be great listeners
You may hear what isn't being said
Forgiveness isnt forgetting
Forgiveness is forgiving thyself

Monday, 3 December 2012


Revenge tells you you must not let go
Its a pride in its own way, worse after betrayal
We are motivated to act on the person other than the issue
We feel we are right, all the way
Revenge encourages self righteousness

Sunday, 2 December 2012

When You Are In My Life

Everything feels right when you are around
A hurdle can be a sweet experience when we face it  together
Living becomes fun despite the odds
It hasnt been easy though , we been through the roughest times of our lives
We have been through hell and back
We have had what others would call, a nightmare
Getting to the mountain top wasn't easy, there are times i felt like giving up,
I run out of patience,
My trust bank  run dry
I didn't have a reason to hang on, anymore
I had had the best and ugly,
I had an experience of a lifetime
Then you broke my heart. l was in pieces
I did hurt, the pain was deep
I didn't get a reason to stay
All that was in my mind was moving on
You were better off  as a past
I was ok with the memories, atleast i thought
It felt better to negotiate back
At that time i knew i would meet someone better who maybe, would treat me good
Without a doubt i knew we were done
Your reasons did sound like excuses
Until i wore your shoe, i lived your day for a few seconds
Although i still feel you should made a different decision,  i will strive to find peace within me
I may never understand, i forgive you anyway
I may never forget, i forgive you anyway
When all that mattered was staying strong and focused, you did all the encouragement
Were it not for you, i would be singing a different song and dancing to a different tune
It is your resilience that we re still together
It was your encouragement that i stayed
Its your trust in me that we have come this far
You are our strength
I don't know what tomorrow holds, am better now, experienced to weather down any storm that comes my way.
When you are in my life, we can achieve the world
We are together to last,
We will travel far and wide, and tell
A story of our love.

Saturday, 1 December 2012


Sometimes you've got to pack all your hurts aches , and pain in a box, seal them and toss them out to a river where they can flow to down stream and pray they will disintegrate down stream.
Sometimes you ve got to sing a new song with fuller eyes
Sometimes you ve got to let loving rest just for a while
Sometimes you need no to trust again
Sometimes you need to face your fears and trust that gut feeling
Sometimes you need to sleep over to a friends place, you will learn and appreciate what you ve got
sometimes the grass may be greener on the other side of the fence

Friday, 30 November 2012

Live Again

A day older, a happier day
Marriage can be beautiful, it can also be a source of agony,
where communication has failed, separation beckons
Arguing is a good sign, there is a room for improvement, both parties are determined to give it the best shot. Otherwise one of the parties has given up and has his attention else where
Every problem has a solution
Every marriage can work despite hurdles
Every ailing  relationship can be healed
After a betrayal you still can trust again
There is power in self confidence
There is joy in forgiveness, If things don't happen as expected, your creativity is re-energized. What may be happening to you now isn't new, it has happened to someone else before you.
If you are committed to change, you will achieve greats,
Commit yourself to changing a dull relationship,Change your attitude toward the person who have hurt you, Love them more.
You need to change your thinking too about a particular situation or person, get to know how they feel
Be the first to adjust, be the first to let the guard down, be the first to say apologize  be the first to compromise, the other party will too will follow suit, after all its for the benefit of the two parties.
Betrayal reveals who you really are, it tells the world the person within.,
You are strong to calm any storm that comes your way
Its never too late to start again, pack everything up and chase your dream
Pack all hurt toss it and hope again, start from scratch, you will get somewhere someday, you will live to tell the story.
You too can change your opinion, you can change your stand.
Happiness is about compromise

Thursday, 29 November 2012

My Birthday, A new beggining

My hubby was the first to wish me a happy birthday..exactly at 00:01 am.
The hug felt warm and very lovely..its been long since i saw him so happy, the smile he wore was so lovely, his face was glowing i could tell he was about to say something.
He first gave me a beautiful necklace and i was so elated and when i thought he was done he told me he got another surprise,,wow..
He removed a ring from his pocket, i could see he was withholding some info i know he wanted to propose but was afraid i would turn him down and he did confirm my fears the following day!
i feel him, what he doesn't know is that i have decided to stay put no matter what.
He is a cool gentle guy and also tough
He told me we need to start all over again, a good idea
a great sign that he still feel we can make a good couple
It feels loved to know he believes in me
We are good together, we feel each other, we compliment each other
May be one day i will walk down the aisle to meet him and vow to stay by his side always
I think it will be a beautiful day,
till then i will work to be the best person i can be
A good wife, a great mum, sis, friend and daughter
I dont wanna live to wish i did
I love my hubby, thanks love for the ring, thanks for believing in me, thanks for all
I want to pen down the big changes and influence i did after one year down the line
I want to look at family and thank myself for unselfishness

Wednesday, 28 November 2012

MY two little angels

My babies keep me going,
They are my energy boosters, when am down they give me a reason to smile
They know mum knows best and i do
It really does feel great to nurture an innocent soul, you want to do your best, you wanna give the best.
I will stand firm to bring up responsible adults
My babies are my new love, Am all butterflies, the innocent smile make me weak in my knees,
They are the best gifts that our dear God has entrusted me with for the past four years.
What a beauty to see my heart literally walking beside me
I tear as i write this, they give me genuine love
They are so fresh, so pure you are afraid the filthy world
Having both in my arms is the best feeling ever, greatest experience one can ever imagine
I pray that they will forever remain close and they will make smart choices
I wonder what i will do when one of them comes home with a broken heart
I want to be with them every step of their lives
I want them to know mum passed through the same experiences and she got stronger
bless you my son
bless you my daughter

Monday, 26 November 2012

The Better Me,

Am looking forward to the lunch date with my hubby.
You see at the end of the day, i remain with me and God above
He constantly talks about forgiveness, 
I too need forgiveness now and then
I have wronged people
May be i have lost friends cos i didn't say sorry
I want a better life, and that comes accepting the life mishaps along the way
Someone said "Everything happens for a reason"
This has changed me loads,
Am a better listener, more patient
I think i can put up with anything now
Even when things are bad, i wanna strive to be positive
I cant wait to see what future holds
I have got loads of energy, i wanna do anything and everything to ensure our relationship works no matter what.
I want a brighter and fuller experience,
we will do dates often, we will have our time together often.
We will have family time too, am looking forward to the next lunch date

Thursday, 22 November 2012

be a fighter

Once i decided to forgive, am now finding it easier to cope with anything that comes my way. keeping a grudge  hurt people, it robs one all the happiness and joy. It brings along resentments that only cause more havoc to the soul and the body. Have you realized how one gets sick when unhappy?
Let go all the heartaches,
Let go all the pain,
Let go all the sorrow,
Let it flow, restart afresh, make new friends
Indulge in a hobby that you have not been keen on in the past
Make friends with your past
Enjoy the new company you've got,
don't hate those who hurt you, love them anyway
Do good to them
Wish them well
You will be doing just to yourself
You can forgive and still move on
You can forgive and still love again
otherwise who would want to love someone with a baggage.
Forgiveness can also be patience, 
Patience to let anger subside
Patience to let yourself mourn
You don't have to tolerate those who hurt you
You still can let them go
Strive to be a fighter, Never give up on yourself

Wednesday, 21 November 2012

I Choose to Forgive

I have developed a new passion lately and am rocking it. it has kinda owned all my attention and am loving it. I don't have to rely much on the hurt,
I get creative everyday, when it gets messy its usually a lesson learnt never a mistake. The people around me i sense they are loving it too albeit criticism here and there. The new love is cooking specifically baking.
Baking is my new relationship, we do get adventurousness all the time. Nothing we do is a repetition.
Am happy with the new me, i found something that i love and will never get a heartbreak!
Without a doubt i will pour out my heart here, its my rebound. A great way to relieve all my pressures and pain.
Everyday a new item is added to the list. My hands are so full, i always get something to do. My first baby is at home on holiday, great treat for the family, we can all indulge in my new hobby.
Two wrongs don't make a right, i don't wanna pump in more hurt to a hurting situation,
i don't wanna pump in more anger to an ugly situation
I want to drive the hate with love
I want to take un forgiveness home, i will continue to search for joy and happiness
I want to be a cheer leader, I want to experience hope again
Only light can drive out darkness, i will strive to give life to our marriage. I know my hubby still feels i got so much to get over with but one of these days he will uncover a new me.
I will not let the past steal my joy of today, i will never understand, i will never forget, i wouldn't have controlled the situation then, but i can choose to take control of my feelings now. I will tell a friend of my experience and may be it will be an encouragement.
Mahatma Gandhi once said "The weak can never forgive. Forgiveness is the attribute of the strong" 
That was so strong and powerful.
A journey of forgiveness isn't easy it is a lifetime course. At times the hurt will show up, you will never forget  it will be with you all your days to your grave. Forgotten may be forgiven.
I feel like am gaining power, am working out the old scales just like an eagle, after all this is all done and gone, i will fly higher and higher.
Patience will heal wounds, Forgiveness calms storms.
You will know that forgiveness has begun when you recall those who hurt you and feel the power to wish them well. Lewis B. Smedes
I choose to  forgive.

Sunday, 18 November 2012

Do it Differently

I have made up my mind,
No more bricks will be placed on the wall that is already existing between us
The hard work ahead is to bring the wall down, brick by brick
It isn't easy, since we have made our minds to,  we will manage
This morning we had a disagreement about an issue that would have been dwelt with last night, He was so angry about it that it had to zero down to the kids.
My daughter cried when his daddy denied him permission to go to a function she had prepared for.
This really broke my heart, i cried too
I felt we should have dwelt on getting a solution,
but out of anger, he listened to his head not his heart
Every little thing under the universe comes with sacrifice
Am ready to take the moon, I will get to the sun and back, until things go well
There will be:
No more hard feelings,
No more sleepless nights, am gonna stay up till my heart is at peace
Am gonna stay up till we are both on the same page
I will not let him lay angry
I ill not let him lay unhappy
He isn't a good communicator, i will make him one
nothing is impossible, where there ia a will there is a way
I will strive to understand him,
What hurts him, what he likes, it will be a brand new experience for me. I want him happy, always longing to come back home when he is away. Am ready for any battle that i will face as i work on my goal. I will win. We too can make a great family, work to have a beautiful marriage.
I will not let obstacles deter me or discourage me. the last  thing i want to do is give up. I know i will reap great fruits after all you reap what you reap.
This time,
Am gonna do things differently.

Thursday, 15 November 2012

A Blessing in Disguise

A colleague laments how worse things have turned out in her marriage, i feel her, i have been in a worse trust issue
I wouldn't believe my ears, i managed to tell her to stay put and shouldn't give up on her marriage. i even suggested therapy. Did i just do that?
I somehow feel blessed  i have been able to almost get over this
Somehow there is a part of me that is healed, i feel i need to move over
I think every experience that comes our way will surely be therapeutic to another.
Appreciate every little thing that comes your way, it will shape your tomorrow
I have discovered you attract what you want to
If you feel negative, talk positive
No matter how hurt you feel, be positive,
It wont be easy but its worth it
There is pain in joy when you accept you wouldn't control that particular situation
We cannot control what others do to us but we can what they they make us feel
We create the world we want
I have gone to 'hell' and back and feel so happy to be over it
The experience will remain in my mind all my days
but it will only be a point of reference, i feel like a superwoman
I can face anything that is ahead of me
I now tell my hubby 'I love You' without harboring ill feelings or without any resentments
Am moving. am growing
Am winning this battle
Am a warrior, a conquer er
I will tell the world about it

Monday, 12 November 2012

Tears of My Love For you

Almost every other day i wake up feeling pity
Pity for myself,
Pity i lived to believe a lie
I thought these things happen to others
I trusted your word
You took me for granted, for four years
I wasn't in your mind and by look of things i will never be
I have discovered so much, i still cant believe it
at times it looks like a dream

You aren't even remorseful about it,
like i deserved it
You even continue to lie,
even about small issues
And baby you want me to walk down the aisle and swear before God and man that
i will stay for good or for worse..seriously??

Its so painful, to love and be cheated on
You don't know the pain cos it has never happened to you
One day, i guarantee you, you will feel the pain definitely it will be from a gal  that you will  truly love
and that very day you will remember me
all you said was, we gonna raise the kids
what about me?
I have a life and i will not live unhappy for them, they will understand

It  really hurts, anyway life must continue no matter what
I will make some tough decisions
I will not watch you hurt me again, you are at it again
You do your thing,
If it makes you glad then so be it
Always know as you live your life you did hurt a soul that loved you so dearly
I know many or even none will understand
I want to feel loved, i want someone who knows it hurts to do those things
i need someone i can trust
I need someone who will believe in me
Who will love me with all my faults
Its clear you feel
At times it very difficult to walk around with a smile and a heart that is in pain

Sunday, 11 November 2012

My Day

I had a  lovely day, i think Sunday's are great days for me
I love making delicious meals for my loved ones
Its a time, to bond with my children
I get to know more about them
We love to cuddle in mums bed
My daughter loves that time to remind mum  about her week,
what happened in school
the kids who wronged her
the singing games
She likes to teach mum about it the dancing styles
Our son loves to look at mum and sister play
He cheers us on
I love my babies
I wake up everyday feeling positive cause of them
I need to go an extra mile
They give me hope,
They enrich my soul with gladness and really look forward to the future
If my relationship with their dad fails, they are my memories
I will forever remember him, he is apart of me
God bless you children.

Thursday, 8 November 2012


Got myself  lucky today, i won a certain competition for supply of diapers for a whole six months..who can be luckier!!
A whole lot of savings there. I have been so faithful to this company and was so excited about the win. the quality is great even used the same with my first born.
Guess its my reaping time.
I definitely feel great and happy and that more is coming. i have got this feeling  that after such a challenging experience, life has a way of giving us a pat on the shoulder.
Its a small gift that means so much, its amazing how little things sparkle our hearts.
They do enlighten our moods, we get feel our soul smiling.
Its a great distraction, at least for now
Every day its a new day full of new hopes
Don't let yesterday's  sorrow steal today's joy
You are what you are today because of that experience
Be glad it happened, it has shaped to the confident person you are today

Tuesday, 6 November 2012

A Wake up Call

Always,  we encounter an experience that awakens our sleeping mind,
we tend to do lots of assumption before we get the facts
because at that time it suits our thinking and massages our ego
Normally someone is misunderstood and hurt,
We all need to be in the wearer's shoe,
Do you have an incidence where you regret making hasty and unselfish decisions?
Would you do it differently this time?
Is it possible there is a change of heart cos time has has calmed all the anger and you are able to reason soberly?
Is it possible you made a decision that was based on hear say?
Give everything due time
If you still feel angry, don't touch it
If you are not stable emotionally don't think about it
Listen to your soul, your mind will always wonder around without direction
Marriages would be saved if we tackled issues sober and amicably
Friendships would not end if we gave ourselves time to think over
Sibling rivalry would be a thing of the past
Deal with all issues
Deal with the insecurities,you have got to take a dose of hope everyday
Take a risk, despite the hurt trust again
A broken heart can still love again
Keep the faith alive, it goes a long way
Stay positive, when things get rough stay positive
When tears roll down , stay positive anyway
Remember the stars need darkness to shine brightest
Every decision has consequences, positive and negative
Live right, your mistakes will live to haunt you
Every wrong thing you do will see the light of the day, someday.

Monday, 5 November 2012


Time does travel fast, after a major showdown
life is back to normal but i need to assure him am not ready to walk down the aisle when we got so many issues that we need to resolve.
Who marries when in wrangles
He has cheated on me, he lies to me even about little details
How will i trust him with finer details

Sunday, 4 November 2012

NO is an answer

I haven't felt so confident with my decisions like i do now
I said no to an engagement not now may be never at least not to him
You see for once i did stand for myself, am so proud with me
Am gonna follow my gut, my instincts say no, not now
You see we fail because we gave an audience to our outside , we need to pay attention to the inside
Time does tell much, it does heal wounds
It may take me forever to fully trust him to commitment
I don't wanna give give him false hope
I care much about him, i still love him i will always do but he continues to hurt me,
i would rather be brutally honest than live regretting
I sure have made so many mistakes in the past, i have let people have their way only for me to get hurt
I have let people step on my toes as an act of humiliation
I have to let go the past mistakes
i blame myself for what people especially my love take me for, i gave him the verdict
Better a marriage with love and commitment than a lavish wedding with no true love
Abraham Lincoln once said "Most folks are about as happy as they make their minds up to be.”
If a turn around doesn't happen now, it never will, i need to feel secure don't feel that.
Why risk and the writing is on the wall?
Why give another shot when the result will be the same?
why hang on for nothing?
Why keep hoping and trusting that all will be fine when no effort is applied?
i will trust myself, i know what i want and what i don't need
When one takes you for granted, and they seem not to care and you constantly argue about the same things,  its a wake up call..you need to make up or move on. If you feel alone, you probably are already single despite being in a relationship.
Take a deep breath, take it all in, analyse it. Ask afew questions. Do you want to live the same after ten years?
If you had a choice, would you change tabs?
then its time..

Friday, 2 November 2012


Today is an interesting beautiful day
Every where i look, or every book i read, i get words and sentences like: 
"Its the devil who keeps telling you not to forgive, cos he knows there is power in forgiveness"
"Anger is an acid that can do more harm to the vessel in which it is stored than to anything on which it is poured-Mark Twain"
The universe seem to be sending a message of forgiveness and the need to loose the anger
of course i will let go 
I will emerge a better lover
I just realized that he has been planning to pay dowry(culture requires it to be done)
Am not for the idea at all 
If this was done three years ago, i wouldn't have resisted
today i would make the most unhappiest bride if i did walk down the aisle to get him at the altar
Am not in the party mood
Am not ready to take a vow 'for better or for worse'
am already fed up with the worse, the better isn't good enough after an experience with the e worse
I know i will surprise many especially  our parents
Who will rescue me from this pain
He doesn't realize how far he has damaged what was so dear to me
I loved him but he took my loving for granted
Honesty is a myth to him
May be he found a gal that gave him what i didn't give
i feel its too late to mend things
Things will never be the same again
I think the kids will come to understand once they get of age
I failed he failed we have failed our children
Life goes on,

Am so over him, next please?

Thursday, 1 November 2012


The last two days i have not updated an item cos i somehow didn't get time to and also i unearthed more info
that isn't appealing.

I learnt he lied to me when he said that he was sick and in hosp and that he was late because it was raining and he wouldn't get the means home.
you see, i don't have a problem with him telling me that he is going out with his girlfriends and i would have felt appreciated.

This takes me back to zero. i feel i wanna leave like yesterday. He isn't worth my  forgiviness. I don't have much energy to keep me still in his life, i think someone else deserves to have my heart, they may treat it better and with caution.

No one feels good when the one you love keeps lying to you. He seem not to realize that he is living on diminishing mercies. A time comes when you got to put your guard down and take a risk.

i think i better die trying than die poor and unhappy. I have tried to forgive him, i have tried to love him again i will give a friend who has been eyeing me a go ahead. he may turn out to be a gem.

Why should i keep my heart in pain?
Do i really need these?
Who will i blame when i will be all old, grey and unhappy?

Sunday, 28 October 2012

Day 28/10/2012

A beautiful Sunday it was, made lovely lunch for my beautiful family
Whoever who said time heals wounds was damn right
its amazing how am fine with myself
Am so in love with myself right now may be it did happen so i can deal
with me
Am spoiling myself like you do your lover, lovely msgs, nice lunch,
flowers, candy chocs,late night soft music
this will continue for months to come or may be all my days
I will work on me, have the best for me
i have loved and been betrayed
i have believed and my trust has been
i have had my dreams shattered by those i trust
i have had my future plans ambushed
i have had my heart broken
Its my time now
i will rock the world
i will travel far and wide
i will let loose and make my voice be heard once more
I will be and will have no apologies
Its time to be me!!

Saturday, 27 October 2012

My Experience 9

Goodbyes aren't fun
There is always a feeling of regret
At that time you hate the past
You look at that person in the eye
and your eyes water
You remember the great and the ugly
You wish you did things differently
You hate yourself for not doing good enough
A lump of bitterness engulf your throat
Your heart gets broken
to know you will have to live another day
without them
I don't wanna say goodbye
I cant stand see you
 for the last time
I need you in mylife
there are times i feel hurt
and betrayed and i feel the i would be ok
without you
i will get someone who will treat me better
something in me keep me still and
grounded in your life
May be its love
May be you are my future
please treat me good
better this time

Friday, 26 October 2012

My Experience 8

You said you will me love forever
I will have your heart all my days
You said i didn't have to worry
i would be the happiest woman alive
i trusted you
i told my friends how great you are
Every night i closed my eyes
did thank God for you
I loved you so much
to notice
anything wrong
Your sweet words blinded me
but you know
sometimes love can be beautiful
and sometimes it can be so ugly
you hurt me so bad Honey
You see i don't know how am gonna
trust you again
Am learning
Forgive me when i get insecure
Am battling within
Help me through this journey
Together we will prevail

Thursday, 25 October 2012

My Experience 7

I came full of hope
that life will be good to me
i will conquer the world
and live to see it roll on me
i have tried to live right
not to hurt intentionally
i have made my mistakes
and learnt not to repeat them
I promised to love truly
to commit to only one
and i did exactly that
i was proud to show him off to
my friends  and relatives
but the one i loved
cheated on me
my world crumbled down
he killed my dreams
broke my heart
Brought my world to its knees
How will i rise again
who will help me dust myself off?
You see i still love you
i cant let you go
am complete when you are in my world
Babie am willing to give it  a second chance
please don't hurt me again cos
I love you

Wednesday, 24 October 2012

My Experience 6

The game is on, being in this field can be tiring cos you have to run after the ball till you score.
There isn't much pressure on my side cos a draw would be fine but my hubby needs to score more than i do if there has to be a feeling of engaging his apology into action.

I too would love to see him score many goals, it will def give me a relief. He has gotten into the idea of apologizing every often, its sad i put through it but aren't there consequences for the mistakes we do?

When you get to discover why you chose each other in the first place, a break up looses its meaning. We will move forward, we have learnt our lessons.

Rekindling our love is the most essential thing we can do to better our future, there are mountains to climb, but we are ready for the rocks, we will be still when it gets sweaty and tiring. we will smell the roses along the way

I got many repetitive questions and he doesn't mind repeating the same answer again and again, he understands am on the healing process. its amazing he is slowly learning a very important virtue that he didn't have, Patience!!

I have a feeling after this phase of our live, we will be the happiest couple ever. Everything happens for a reason, 
I want to see him embrace his mistakes and be ready to be held accountable. I want him to get to the top of the mountain with a mic in his hand and tell the world what he did and how if he is remorseful.

The demands are genuine, 

Yesterday we were just having a candid talk and he said something that is still lingering in my mind.. "when the worst happens between the couple, they should just raise the children" but i tend to differ cos there is another  life other than raising a family. what about my happiness? 

After teens the children will be in school and less at home. At one time in their lives they will need less of mum and dad. I would feel suffocated living and sacrificing my happiness just to raise the kids. a sad mum raises sad children, am not ready to take that route. 

Am gonna stay because i believe in his promises or move out if the deep wounds i have got  refuse to heal. 

Our relationship has become a school, we tend to ignore so many things that happen around us until we experience them. we get to understand the value.

You don't know the value of forgiveness until you are wronged.
You don't know the value of an apology unless you have wronged

Forgiveness doesn't promise a better day, you become stronger.

“The stupid neither forgive nor forget; the naive forgive and forget; the wise forgive but do not forget.” 
― Thomas Stephen Szasz

Tuesday, 23 October 2012

My Experience 5

There isn't much to write home today. Things are slowly taking a beautiful turn, isn't all rosy but when i focus on the positive and feel positive, i get to feel better. I long for the day all this will be past me

Staying positive at times feels like your are in denial, but i have to focus on the good if i have to win this race.
Today is full of serene, its amazing the power we have within us. We create our own world.

If you decide to stay positive you create a world of gladness otherwise,  it will be a world of agony.
We are creators, you create what you focus on,
What you think about
What you believe
What you decide to do with what you have will reflect in your future

I have managed to keep  cool even when things are on the turmoil. somehow am learning to accept what happened that i cannot reverse it, it was out of my control. Its not easy but i have decided to let go and live today.

Whether i decide to forgive and stay or forgive and move, i still need to forget.
its baby steps, i will walk again

Mother Teresa said:
People are often unreasonable and self-centered. Forgive them anyway.
If you are kind, people may accuse you of ulterior motives. Be kind anyway. 
If you are honest, people may cheat you. Be honest anyway.
If you find happiness, people may be jealous. Be happy anyway.
The good you do today may be forgotten tomorrow. Do good anyway.
Give the world the best you have and it may never be enough. Give your best anyway. 
For you see, in the end, it is between you and God. It was never between you and them anyway.”  

The weak can never forgive. Forgiveness is the attribute of the strong.” 
― Mahatma GandhiAll Men are Brothers: Autobiographical Reflections

The truth is, unless you let go, unless you forgive yourself, unless you forgive the situation, unless you realize that the situation is over, you cannot move forward.” 
― Steve MaraboliLife, the Truth, and Being Free

I retire today in a better mood

Monday, 22 October 2012

My Experience 4

Wow.. Never say Never.
Life is a twist of fun laughter sadness sorrow, you never know what to expect
Yesterday i was all full of anger, resentments till i went home
I had an awesome evening
I got home and found my fiance waiting for me at the couch as the babies slept. i didn't lean to kiss him when he did, i was already hating him(so i thought).
I served dinner and we had it together
He was so lovely and calm..i must admit i still feel butterflies every time i look at him, its worse when we have a disagreement.
I tend to think he knows me too well than i do,
He sat me down and told me  i had to stop worrying, just because he messed up doesn't give me the right to keep doubting and playing victim.
Nowadays, he said. every little thing he does i make preference to that, and it ain't fair to a person who is trying to mend his ways..i feel him.
I feel justified to crucify him all the time for his wrong doing, he betrayed me and for him to feel my anger and disappointment i rub my insecurity into him.
Am not doing right i need a restart button. Every time we have this conversation i end up feeling sad and sorry for me and him.
When we are making progress, due to my resentments we go back to the starting line.
I need prayers, counsel, therapy.
He says we need rebuild trust again, it may take years but we will be happier.
Am afraid of trusting him again only for him to betray me again, who does that to the one who loves you??
Its reasonable to leave than wait for another betrayal, but its also reasonable too to give it a second try, may be things will turn out well and beautiful this time.
I think anyone who has gone through this journey can ascertain its roughness, at times you just want to throw in the towel and move on with life. May be one day i will tell a story of victory, i really hope i do.
There is healing in forgiveness
There is beauty in forgiveness
There is joy in forgiveness
There is Power in forgiveness
There is Happiness in forgiveness
we all make mistakes, its an offence when we repeat it again. we all need forgiveness.
He has requested for a second chance to prove he still loves me and is willing to go an extra mile to make it work.
I saw the hurt in his eyes, i couldn't help but hug him and assure him that i will also try
 being insecure cos he is a changed man. before i get to make my own conclusions i have to en quire.
After what had happened  of course trusting him would be an issue and almost impossible the day i get over we will be in harmony and will be the happiest couple and i guess he
I think i need help may be a therapist will do, i will talk to him about me getting help. i don't want to hurt him again.
I actually cant see myself with any one else.we need to work it out.

Sunday, 21 October 2012

My Experience part 3

He didn't come last night. he spent the night in a hospital. he is unwell and that kinda makes me sad, not so sad to make me loose sleep. am really getting out of his co-cone and am loving it!and it doesn't change my position in this relationship.

A week earlier he told me we should start ll over gain and forget our painful past. Of course i bought the idea(i always want us to be a complete family) but few days later he had a date with one of his girlfriend.

Who does that? His words always contradict his actions. Something in me tells its all over that i will be lucky one day. Its sad when children are involved, worse when they get to be raised by one parent.

Our parents sacrificed their happiness for their children(us) and even after we left they are still having problems, that haunts me. I want to do things differently and am sure the end result will be different. i will better off that i tried to get a better life than stay and be sorry.

I have got issues, with myself that i need to resolve first before getting into any other relationship. i don't wanna a carry a baggage of resentments, grudge forward. I need to forgive myself, my past and not compare my prince to all jerks that i have been with.

I really feel for my babies, i see a great tomorrow, a promising future full of fun and wealth but sadly i don't see their dad. My dad will act as a dad to them for now. From the look of things, i don't even want to be a friend to their dad, may be he has hurt me so much, may be am still on the road to calmness and forgiveness.

I have not been so hurt by even my former exes and the hatred i feel for the dad is inexpiable he has wasted my six precious years.

To achieve a sense of peace and harmony i have got to forgive him and move on.

I sent him this text today "Every day you give me a reason not to trust you, Every time you show me am just a passing wind in your life. i have been through so much in this relationship and i don't have much strength left for more. i don't want to go through the same when am forty, please save the dowry for someone else i don't deserve it. please make your dad understand(he believes in us). He replied saying how wrong in was that he wasn't seeing anyone but am now used to that line. its all lies.

He wants to eat his cake and still have it, so selfish of him. therapists say, for a partner to stray you must have pushed him to, that almost doesn't make sense to me, cos even after we have iron out our issues he still goes back. That so typical of him and i pity the one he settles down with, he will never change, she will have to have a thick skin.

someone said Forgiveness brings a kind of peace that helps you go on with life. i got to do that, but who said its easy, one time you want total vengeance, you want to take a gun and shoot them, you also want to give them a chance to live and watch karma catch up with them.

Every passing day i got this mixed feelings of guilt and despair, and joy too. i know leaving him will have a negative impact on my children but a positive one on my side.

My younger sister one time told me about his infidelity but i brushed her off(guess i was in love) also he denied saying he was clean. That took a toil on my relationship with my sister and we didn't talk much. i tell all women out there if, a sister, neighbor, friend, colleague points out something to do with your man's infidelity don't just brush it off do your homework. they cant be so wrong.

I remember the day i uncovered the truth, i recalled all what my sister had told me but blatantly ignored. no wonder there are many in prisons sentenced out of ignorance.

am doing fine and wonderful without him. I long for the day he will cross my mind and still smile, no feelings of anger or resentment. Its a rough journey but its worth it.

He told me to have a to do list after he promised he would change(after staying late night trying to get a solution, never again) and make me a happy gal (of course it didn't happen). i came up with the following:
  • Love only me and Let me be your number one
  • text me every day, all the days of your life and REM All Juicy and beautiful texts belong to me.
  • Always tell me the truth. Truth is the first thing necessary to create trust in our relationship. I believe Respect is earned from trust, and love is earned from respect. Intimacy is the lovely priceless gift we get when we risk telling the truth.
  • Am the ONLY beautiful gal that will always exists in your world...hahaha..Sorry!
  • Even when things get rough, we remain to be friends.
  • Heart, soul and mind should know we are married and act like one!
  • Never let a day go by without saying and showing how much our relationship mean to us and we Should always remind each other the love we have for each other.
  • hug, hug anytime. a hug from behind is always welcome
  • We will not asleep as long as one party is offended...we will stay awake till we get a solution even if It means not sleeping at all!!
  • Truth is the first thing necessary to create trust in our relationship. Respect is earned from trust, and love is earned from respect. Intimacy is the gift we get when we risk telling the truth. Shall we?
  • We shall have a vacation for just the two of us every year and several dates all year round
  • We shall be involved in each other’s goals and vision and help achieve them
  • We get exactly what we focus on. The problem or the solution..let us(esp me)focus on the solution
  • We shall not use any negative or hurtful remark
  • We shall remain faithful to each other no matter what!! self-control is a gift of the Holy_Spirit
  • We shall pray for each other, for our relationship, our children together and when apart
  • When there is a different opinion on a decision we shall settle on the best after weighing the risks

Someone said: .

Unconditional love is an inside job. If you haven't gotten it by now, guess what...start working from within. When you can give it to yourself, you'll be ready to give it to someone else. If you can give it to someone else, you'll recognize it when it's given to you.

Saturday, 20 October 2012

My Experience Part two

Today i feel so awful with myself.
I have let people treat me so bad for so long and i cant forgive myself.
I feel so mad with me, i should have said no
i should have let my gut rule
now am heartbroken
the world is spinning hatred on my side
am desperate
coz the one i love loves someone else and aint treating me good
i know i deserve better
what will i tell my children?
that mama moved out of dad because?
am at crossroads

Deep down i know,
someone out there can treat me like a queen
i think part of me believes he will change
that one day he will recognize i exist
but that isn't happening and will never happen
i sure need to move on and
live large
my prince charming will find me someday
my little angels will understand why mummy had to move on
daddy doesn't make her happy
we are in this world to be happy

Yester night he slept over at his friends
it was such a relief
every passing day
i want less of him
less and less
the scale gets lower everyday
Although he says he will change
His actions speak a different language altogether

It will be a surprise to many
coz we look like the most perfect couple
but we are the most distant

Why would any one cheat on a spouse
and still go home to them
and pretend that all is well
and even shamelessly say 'i love you'

I think he smells a rotten rat
today he sent a lovely msg
but i didn't reply
i don't feel him
I don't wanna live a lie anymore
am gonna go and find my own world
am gonna create a safer haven for me
 I cant go to my mum with my marriage woes
she too is struggling with her own

my therapy is blogging
am better off that way as for now

Friday, 19 October 2012

My Experience

We met in the year 2007 almost immediately after a breakup from my ex.Although he says he was my rebound guy, i truly love him till now.

I knew he was the one when i set my eyes on him. It was all sparkling and romance was wild and fun until i conceived and gave birth.

He took his time (2008-2010) to have fun with the gals and sleep around. All this time he kept it as a secret and would act its all fine and well until Sept this year (2012) when i got to know all truth.

I got it from the steamy texts they exchanged with the gals at that time. Of course i felt great i had confirmed my fears and worse i had been betrayed, big time

He was shocked at first, i had unveiled a dark secret but he came seeking forgiveness.
He gave me all reasons to why he did what he did, they seem reasonable but deep down i feel he made a choice to cheat on me. there was another option, of staying faithful and picking a bone with me on the issues he felt required attention.

He opted for the easier and painful route, the shortcut.

If you check on my earlier updates(http://forgivenessafterbetrayalofaspouse.blogspot.com/, they translate to a person in pain
one who is deprived off  attention and Love.

One who is fed up. I had this nagging feeling that all wasn't well. I tried to calm myself but the gut feeling got stronger and real, so i decided to do my homework.

It was an year of agony and despair. a very anxious year indeed.
someone said no matter the length of the rope it sure has an end. Every secret will see the light of the day.
 Friends, don't hurt a loved one, don't cheat on them, be a lady or a gentleman and call the relationship off.

That shows respect for yourself, and your partner

If we had just started dating, i would have dropped him like he was hot but its tricky we have two gorgeous children together.

Forgiveness is a commitment, its a lifestyle.
It relieves past pain, comforts a broken heart and heals a wounded soul.
It brings hope.

Its easier to hold a grudge than to forgive and forget. playing a victim feels safer and justified but its a journey that is full of agony and anger. Resentments become a daily life. to be free i need to break this yoke.

I will not let him define who i am, i may be hurting yes but i must find a way to get out of this. Wish it was a day's kind of work. He hurt me yesterday but i don't have to let if affect my today and tomorrow  i must work on my healing all ways possible

I too have done things that did hurt, i need forgiveness but that doesnt mean i continue in this turmoil. forgiveness is freedom

to be continued