Sunday, 28 October 2012

Day 28/10/2012

A beautiful Sunday it was, made lovely lunch for my beautiful family
Whoever who said time heals wounds was damn right
its amazing how am fine with myself
Am so in love with myself right now may be it did happen so i can deal
with me
Am spoiling myself like you do your lover, lovely msgs, nice lunch,
flowers, candy chocs,late night soft music
this will continue for months to come or may be all my days
I will work on me, have the best for me
i have loved and been betrayed
i have believed and my trust has been
i have had my dreams shattered by those i trust
i have had my future plans ambushed
i have had my heart broken
Its my time now
i will rock the world
i will travel far and wide
i will let loose and make my voice be heard once more
I will be and will have no apologies
Its time to be me!!

Saturday, 27 October 2012

My Experience 9

Goodbyes aren't fun
There is always a feeling of regret
At that time you hate the past
You look at that person in the eye
and your eyes water
You remember the great and the ugly
You wish you did things differently
You hate yourself for not doing good enough
A lump of bitterness engulf your throat
Your heart gets broken
to know you will have to live another day
without them
I don't wanna say goodbye
I cant stand see you
 for the last time
I need you in mylife
there are times i feel hurt
and betrayed and i feel the i would be ok
without you
i will get someone who will treat me better
something in me keep me still and
grounded in your life
May be its love
May be you are my future
please treat me good
better this time

Friday, 26 October 2012

My Experience 8

You said you will me love forever
I will have your heart all my days
You said i didn't have to worry
i would be the happiest woman alive
i trusted you
i told my friends how great you are
Every night i closed my eyes
did thank God for you
I loved you so much
to notice
anything wrong
Your sweet words blinded me
but you know
sometimes love can be beautiful
and sometimes it can be so ugly
you hurt me so bad Honey
You see i don't know how am gonna
trust you again
Am learning
Forgive me when i get insecure
Am battling within
Help me through this journey
Together we will prevail

Thursday, 25 October 2012

My Experience 7

I came full of hope
that life will be good to me
i will conquer the world
and live to see it roll on me
i have tried to live right
not to hurt intentionally
i have made my mistakes
and learnt not to repeat them
I promised to love truly
to commit to only one
and i did exactly that
i was proud to show him off to
my friends  and relatives
but the one i loved
cheated on me
my world crumbled down
he killed my dreams
broke my heart
Brought my world to its knees
How will i rise again
who will help me dust myself off?
You see i still love you
i cant let you go
am complete when you are in my world
Babie am willing to give it  a second chance
please don't hurt me again cos
I love you

Wednesday, 24 October 2012

My Experience 6

The game is on, being in this field can be tiring cos you have to run after the ball till you score.
There isn't much pressure on my side cos a draw would be fine but my hubby needs to score more than i do if there has to be a feeling of engaging his apology into action.

I too would love to see him score many goals, it will def give me a relief. He has gotten into the idea of apologizing every often, its sad i put through it but aren't there consequences for the mistakes we do?

When you get to discover why you chose each other in the first place, a break up looses its meaning. We will move forward, we have learnt our lessons.

Rekindling our love is the most essential thing we can do to better our future, there are mountains to climb, but we are ready for the rocks, we will be still when it gets sweaty and tiring. we will smell the roses along the way

I got many repetitive questions and he doesn't mind repeating the same answer again and again, he understands am on the healing process. its amazing he is slowly learning a very important virtue that he didn't have, Patience!!

I have a feeling after this phase of our live, we will be the happiest couple ever. Everything happens for a reason, 
I want to see him embrace his mistakes and be ready to be held accountable. I want him to get to the top of the mountain with a mic in his hand and tell the world what he did and how if he is remorseful.

The demands are genuine, 

Yesterday we were just having a candid talk and he said something that is still lingering in my mind.. "when the worst happens between the couple, they should just raise the children" but i tend to differ cos there is another  life other than raising a family. what about my happiness? 

After teens the children will be in school and less at home. At one time in their lives they will need less of mum and dad. I would feel suffocated living and sacrificing my happiness just to raise the kids. a sad mum raises sad children, am not ready to take that route. 

Am gonna stay because i believe in his promises or move out if the deep wounds i have got  refuse to heal. 

Our relationship has become a school, we tend to ignore so many things that happen around us until we experience them. we get to understand the value.

You don't know the value of forgiveness until you are wronged.
You don't know the value of an apology unless you have wronged

Forgiveness doesn't promise a better day, you become stronger.

“The stupid neither forgive nor forget; the naive forgive and forget; the wise forgive but do not forget.” 
― Thomas Stephen Szasz

Tuesday, 23 October 2012

My Experience 5

There isn't much to write home today. Things are slowly taking a beautiful turn, isn't all rosy but when i focus on the positive and feel positive, i get to feel better. I long for the day all this will be past me

Staying positive at times feels like your are in denial, but i have to focus on the good if i have to win this race.
Today is full of serene, its amazing the power we have within us. We create our own world.

If you decide to stay positive you create a world of gladness otherwise,  it will be a world of agony.
We are creators, you create what you focus on,
What you think about
What you believe
What you decide to do with what you have will reflect in your future

I have managed to keep  cool even when things are on the turmoil. somehow am learning to accept what happened that i cannot reverse it, it was out of my control. Its not easy but i have decided to let go and live today.

Whether i decide to forgive and stay or forgive and move, i still need to forget.
its baby steps, i will walk again

Mother Teresa said:
People are often unreasonable and self-centered. Forgive them anyway.
If you are kind, people may accuse you of ulterior motives. Be kind anyway. 
If you are honest, people may cheat you. Be honest anyway.
If you find happiness, people may be jealous. Be happy anyway.
The good you do today may be forgotten tomorrow. Do good anyway.
Give the world the best you have and it may never be enough. Give your best anyway. 
For you see, in the end, it is between you and God. It was never between you and them anyway.”  

The weak can never forgive. Forgiveness is the attribute of the strong.” 
― Mahatma GandhiAll Men are Brothers: Autobiographical Reflections

The truth is, unless you let go, unless you forgive yourself, unless you forgive the situation, unless you realize that the situation is over, you cannot move forward.” 
― Steve MaraboliLife, the Truth, and Being Free

I retire today in a better mood

Monday, 22 October 2012

My Experience 4

Wow.. Never say Never.
Life is a twist of fun laughter sadness sorrow, you never know what to expect
Yesterday i was all full of anger, resentments till i went home
I had an awesome evening
I got home and found my fiance waiting for me at the couch as the babies slept. i didn't lean to kiss him when he did, i was already hating him(so i thought).
I served dinner and we had it together
He was so lovely and calm..i must admit i still feel butterflies every time i look at him, its worse when we have a disagreement.
I tend to think he knows me too well than i do,
He sat me down and told me  i had to stop worrying, just because he messed up doesn't give me the right to keep doubting and playing victim.
Nowadays, he said. every little thing he does i make preference to that, and it ain't fair to a person who is trying to mend his ways..i feel him.
I feel justified to crucify him all the time for his wrong doing, he betrayed me and for him to feel my anger and disappointment i rub my insecurity into him.
Am not doing right i need a restart button. Every time we have this conversation i end up feeling sad and sorry for me and him.
When we are making progress, due to my resentments we go back to the starting line.
I need prayers, counsel, therapy.
He says we need rebuild trust again, it may take years but we will be happier.
Am afraid of trusting him again only for him to betray me again, who does that to the one who loves you??
Its reasonable to leave than wait for another betrayal, but its also reasonable too to give it a second try, may be things will turn out well and beautiful this time.
I think anyone who has gone through this journey can ascertain its roughness, at times you just want to throw in the towel and move on with life. May be one day i will tell a story of victory, i really hope i do.
There is healing in forgiveness
There is beauty in forgiveness
There is joy in forgiveness
There is Power in forgiveness
There is Happiness in forgiveness
we all make mistakes, its an offence when we repeat it again. we all need forgiveness.
He has requested for a second chance to prove he still loves me and is willing to go an extra mile to make it work.
I saw the hurt in his eyes, i couldn't help but hug him and assure him that i will also try
 being insecure cos he is a changed man. before i get to make my own conclusions i have to en quire.
After what had happened  of course trusting him would be an issue and almost impossible the day i get over we will be in harmony and will be the happiest couple and i guess he
I think i need help may be a therapist will do, i will talk to him about me getting help. i don't want to hurt him again.
I actually cant see myself with any one else.we need to work it out.

Sunday, 21 October 2012

My Experience part 3

He didn't come last night. he spent the night in a hospital. he is unwell and that kinda makes me sad, not so sad to make me loose sleep. am really getting out of his co-cone and am loving it!and it doesn't change my position in this relationship.

A week earlier he told me we should start ll over gain and forget our painful past. Of course i bought the idea(i always want us to be a complete family) but few days later he had a date with one of his girlfriend.

Who does that? His words always contradict his actions. Something in me tells its all over that i will be lucky one day. Its sad when children are involved, worse when they get to be raised by one parent.

Our parents sacrificed their happiness for their children(us) and even after we left they are still having problems, that haunts me. I want to do things differently and am sure the end result will be different. i will better off that i tried to get a better life than stay and be sorry.

I have got issues, with myself that i need to resolve first before getting into any other relationship. i don't wanna a carry a baggage of resentments, grudge forward. I need to forgive myself, my past and not compare my prince to all jerks that i have been with.

I really feel for my babies, i see a great tomorrow, a promising future full of fun and wealth but sadly i don't see their dad. My dad will act as a dad to them for now. From the look of things, i don't even want to be a friend to their dad, may be he has hurt me so much, may be am still on the road to calmness and forgiveness.

I have not been so hurt by even my former exes and the hatred i feel for the dad is inexpiable he has wasted my six precious years.

To achieve a sense of peace and harmony i have got to forgive him and move on.

I sent him this text today "Every day you give me a reason not to trust you, Every time you show me am just a passing wind in your life. i have been through so much in this relationship and i don't have much strength left for more. i don't want to go through the same when am forty, please save the dowry for someone else i don't deserve it. please make your dad understand(he believes in us). He replied saying how wrong in was that he wasn't seeing anyone but am now used to that line. its all lies.

He wants to eat his cake and still have it, so selfish of him. therapists say, for a partner to stray you must have pushed him to, that almost doesn't make sense to me, cos even after we have iron out our issues he still goes back. That so typical of him and i pity the one he settles down with, he will never change, she will have to have a thick skin.

someone said Forgiveness brings a kind of peace that helps you go on with life. i got to do that, but who said its easy, one time you want total vengeance, you want to take a gun and shoot them, you also want to give them a chance to live and watch karma catch up with them.

Every passing day i got this mixed feelings of guilt and despair, and joy too. i know leaving him will have a negative impact on my children but a positive one on my side.

My younger sister one time told me about his infidelity but i brushed her off(guess i was in love) also he denied saying he was clean. That took a toil on my relationship with my sister and we didn't talk much. i tell all women out there if, a sister, neighbor, friend, colleague points out something to do with your man's infidelity don't just brush it off do your homework. they cant be so wrong.

I remember the day i uncovered the truth, i recalled all what my sister had told me but blatantly ignored. no wonder there are many in prisons sentenced out of ignorance.

am doing fine and wonderful without him. I long for the day he will cross my mind and still smile, no feelings of anger or resentment. Its a rough journey but its worth it.

He told me to have a to do list after he promised he would change(after staying late night trying to get a solution, never again) and make me a happy gal (of course it didn't happen). i came up with the following:
  • Love only me and Let me be your number one
  • text me every day, all the days of your life and REM All Juicy and beautiful texts belong to me.
  • Always tell me the truth. Truth is the first thing necessary to create trust in our relationship. I believe Respect is earned from trust, and love is earned from respect. Intimacy is the lovely priceless gift we get when we risk telling the truth.
  • Am the ONLY beautiful gal that will always exists in your world...hahaha..Sorry!
  • Even when things get rough, we remain to be friends.
  • Heart, soul and mind should know we are married and act like one!
  • Never let a day go by without saying and showing how much our relationship mean to us and we Should always remind each other the love we have for each other.
  • hug, hug anytime. a hug from behind is always welcome
  • We will not asleep as long as one party is offended...we will stay awake till we get a solution even if It means not sleeping at all!!
  • Truth is the first thing necessary to create trust in our relationship. Respect is earned from trust, and love is earned from respect. Intimacy is the gift we get when we risk telling the truth. Shall we?
  • We shall have a vacation for just the two of us every year and several dates all year round
  • We shall be involved in each other’s goals and vision and help achieve them
  • We get exactly what we focus on. The problem or the solution..let us(esp me)focus on the solution
  • We shall not use any negative or hurtful remark
  • We shall remain faithful to each other no matter what!! self-control is a gift of the Holy_Spirit
  • We shall pray for each other, for our relationship, our children together and when apart
  • When there is a different opinion on a decision we shall settle on the best after weighing the risks

Someone said: .

Unconditional love is an inside job. If you haven't gotten it by now, guess what...start working from within. When you can give it to yourself, you'll be ready to give it to someone else. If you can give it to someone else, you'll recognize it when it's given to you.

Saturday, 20 October 2012

My Experience Part two

Today i feel so awful with myself.
I have let people treat me so bad for so long and i cant forgive myself.
I feel so mad with me, i should have said no
i should have let my gut rule
now am heartbroken
the world is spinning hatred on my side
am desperate
coz the one i love loves someone else and aint treating me good
i know i deserve better
what will i tell my children?
that mama moved out of dad because?
am at crossroads

Deep down i know,
someone out there can treat me like a queen
i think part of me believes he will change
that one day he will recognize i exist
but that isn't happening and will never happen
i sure need to move on and
live large
my prince charming will find me someday
my little angels will understand why mummy had to move on
daddy doesn't make her happy
we are in this world to be happy

Yester night he slept over at his friends
it was such a relief
every passing day
i want less of him
less and less
the scale gets lower everyday
Although he says he will change
His actions speak a different language altogether

It will be a surprise to many
coz we look like the most perfect couple
but we are the most distant

Why would any one cheat on a spouse
and still go home to them
and pretend that all is well
and even shamelessly say 'i love you'

I think he smells a rotten rat
today he sent a lovely msg
but i didn't reply
i don't feel him
I don't wanna live a lie anymore
am gonna go and find my own world
am gonna create a safer haven for me
 I cant go to my mum with my marriage woes
she too is struggling with her own

my therapy is blogging
am better off that way as for now

Friday, 19 October 2012

My Experience

We met in the year 2007 almost immediately after a breakup from my ex.Although he says he was my rebound guy, i truly love him till now.

I knew he was the one when i set my eyes on him. It was all sparkling and romance was wild and fun until i conceived and gave birth.

He took his time (2008-2010) to have fun with the gals and sleep around. All this time he kept it as a secret and would act its all fine and well until Sept this year (2012) when i got to know all truth.

I got it from the steamy texts they exchanged with the gals at that time. Of course i felt great i had confirmed my fears and worse i had been betrayed, big time

He was shocked at first, i had unveiled a dark secret but he came seeking forgiveness.
He gave me all reasons to why he did what he did, they seem reasonable but deep down i feel he made a choice to cheat on me. there was another option, of staying faithful and picking a bone with me on the issues he felt required attention.

He opted for the easier and painful route, the shortcut.

If you check on my earlier updates(, they translate to a person in pain
one who is deprived off  attention and Love.

One who is fed up. I had this nagging feeling that all wasn't well. I tried to calm myself but the gut feeling got stronger and real, so i decided to do my homework.

It was an year of agony and despair. a very anxious year indeed.
someone said no matter the length of the rope it sure has an end. Every secret will see the light of the day.
 Friends, don't hurt a loved one, don't cheat on them, be a lady or a gentleman and call the relationship off.

That shows respect for yourself, and your partner

If we had just started dating, i would have dropped him like he was hot but its tricky we have two gorgeous children together.

Forgiveness is a commitment, its a lifestyle.
It relieves past pain, comforts a broken heart and heals a wounded soul.
It brings hope.

Its easier to hold a grudge than to forgive and forget. playing a victim feels safer and justified but its a journey that is full of agony and anger. Resentments become a daily life. to be free i need to break this yoke.

I will not let him define who i am, i may be hurting yes but i must find a way to get out of this. Wish it was a day's kind of work. He hurt me yesterday but i don't have to let if affect my today and tomorrow  i must work on my healing all ways possible

I too have done things that did hurt, i need forgiveness but that doesnt mean i continue in this turmoil. forgiveness is freedom

to be continued