I Have Lost it

I have lost the much needed energy to continue working for this company. The passion that ignites me every morning to report and make it happen is all gone. Nothing excites me about it anymore.
My supervisor has been complaining lately about my lateness, actually i don't want to appear on any black book but i feel my time is up. I have done enough for this company already, not even a promotion or a pay rise would motivate me.

I have downloaded a resignation letter and saved it in my computer for editing. Every other day i look forward to submitting my letter to the human resource. I visualize and even feel what i may experience then. one word freedom.

I feel am currently carrying two babies and am in labor  i need to deliver them. one is to publish a long waited book and a company that i need to register a company like yesterday.

The spark is gone, no mounts of gifts would restore my love for the job. i have only been i feel like am gonna have an ex very soon. I want something that will push my adrenaline, something that will put my creativity in use. I feel my potential is being wasted. Coming to sit, receive calls and go home get paid pay bills is so full of routine, this isn't exciting at all.

Am like a shock absorb er for this company, all i do is receive calls and forward the complains to respective departments for action. It can get frustrating especially when it has taken so long for an action to be taken and you have no idea why.

I work for customer service and a customer told me i need to one down! phweks..every one tells me pass on baton. i feel them, am not at best right now.

I will be back to tell you about my new life..

My time is up

We were over the moon
We created our own world
where peace, love and harmony lived
Until we let
We have tried, we tried eeeh tried
but
We both know our time is up
We must let it go

Live your Best today

Yesterday, my hubby received some disturbing news, the doctors said  his daddy is very  ill as the cancer has now spread to his whole body.  One doctor said that daddy should now prepare a will, another prescribed some drugs and gave an appointment to check on him once again. It has scared my hubby to the core, i know he is worried. I am short of words and all i can afford is a warm hug and a prayer.

It got me thinking how we take life for granted. It is the simple things that matter. To daddy walking a mile is now an achievement, having a bowel movement is a milestone achieved, finishing a simple fruit is great joy to all of us.

Worry not about tomorrow  it may never come. Appreciate those who love you, love your enemies anyway, they are the reason you are grateful for what you have today, rem they hate you for a reason.

Enjoy the trip that you have been planning for ever, smile and say halo to the strangers, remind your children how much they mean to you and how big you dream for them, bless them, wish them well.

Drop all them grudges and reach out to your enemies. Forgive those who have made the worst of your memories. Accept the past and look forward to a better future  Love again, learn how to trust again. Give it your all.

Live your life, and live now

I Will Smile Again..

No reason will be realistic on why it happened  i must admit am loosing my cool, am getting nervous i think i will not be a case study of those who were betrayed and stayed put with an encouragement of forgiveness. I have tried, m trying but i keep wetting my pillow over it. I cant get over the fact that i lived a lie for so long. I hate myself for not being so naive and believing everything i was told. 

I remember one time he told me we need to have a break and think things over, i agreed, what i didn't know is that he was actually breaking up with me for the other girl, i wish the 'break was forever, but i think i was naive'.This even hurts me more.

When you travel the road of betrayal, only you understand. It is the most painful journey you wouldn't even wish an enemy to go through. It is a rough rocky road with no map. It is the worst experience any one can under go. you see i had heard people talk about it but never it never occurred to me i would be wearing the shoes. they pinch hard. 

I still feel the reasons he has given me so far aren't satisfactory. No matter what, i still  feel so betrayed, i cant even forgive myself. i have let myself down, i believed so much lies despite the writing on the wall. i literally stopped living and lived for someone who was busy entertaining others. 

Although it happened 3 years back and only came to learn about it 8 months ago, i feel like it has just happened this morning. Many times i asked him if all is well and at one time he swore nothing had ever happened. If i never bumped into the messages i would still be the naive fool at least in his eyes. 

lying to me was wrong, acting all good and innocent was selfish. Now look what he has done, he has destroyed our family. He has lost my trust. how do i live with someone i no longer trust, can i 

I don't know if i will go all the way with him. I may come to regret having not left. i would rather leave have a better environment than stay, whereas i believe someone would  treat me better, but there is an issue, my trust is all gone. my heart is so guarded now that one will have to work so hard to get it.

Am so worthy, he doesn't deserve me, and he has often hinted but as usual i let myself be walked over. I don''t blame him, i gave him the permission to  mistreat me. 

When faced with this, you will get all kinds of advise,:

• get professional help
• Forgive and forget
• move on
• keep your dignity and give them up

I wish it was possible to live a normal life, i wish i never got to read the messages, i wish i heeded to his call of calling it off on Dec 31 2009. I meant nothing to him then, he has gone to accept me and love me but when i did love him unconditionally he was doing the opposite. he may have won then, but he has lost miserably.

It is so hard to hold onto our relationship while am no longer into it. He deserves someone who can trust him fully. someone who will not hold back.

I too deserve better, our children will come to understand, i feel for them though. The parents who brought them forth should bring them up together, but mum isn't happy. she is hurting.

After all these is said and done, i will smile again..i really long for that day.

HAppy Mother's day to my lovely husband!!

You have taught the beauty of Love
You have elevated me to better and greater heights
You have taught me the joy of the perfect in the imperfect
You have shown me tenderness
You have taught me the patience,
 understanding it doesn't mean am a looser if i don't win every disagreement
You have been with me at my lowest, at my worst
   and have loved me still
Above all, you brought the most beautiful of all to my life..Motherhood
And Happy Mother's day to your lady who brought you forth
she gave me the best.

Love always

Happy Valentines My Love

I want you to love me as i love you, if possible more
I need you to be honest with me,
Lately, you have made it your business to break my heart
You keep telling me, to trust you but honey
Your actions and words don't match
If you were in my shoes you would have left long time
but i stay cos i believe in us
i stay cos life seems better with you
We can make a happy couple, if we let ourselves be
but you still want me to remain in the background
I need you to stay faithful to me,
You see, i want to be an ever shinning star in your life
I want to be your woman and treat me as so
I have loved you, you have broken my heart a million times
I have trusted you,
but you have given me the worst experience,
an experience you wouldn't want to under go
I dream t of a better life,
a better husband,
a better family than i had seen
I knew i had made the best choice but you keep 'telling' me i was wrong
Many days i have cried
Many nights pass while awake
May be am being naive, may be i need to wake up from my fantasy and realize that;'s you, you will never change.
Till then, i know one day you will come to know you did hurt a soul that loved you so much,
Happy Valentines.

I must leave and live a better life

It sucks, it feels like am moving anti-clockwise,
when you think you are making progress, you counter check only to realize someone is busy trailing your efforts.
You want the best for your self, ayour family but that cannot be achieved coz they made it their business to discourage and hurt you.
At times wisdom tells you to listen to your heart very keenly, it tells you to stop being naive,
To look at the bigger picture, i must put this to an end
I need to stand up for myself and say no to being the other option.
i can do better than this
i believe i can still find a partner who would be caring for me and the kids
Things happen so fast,
I don't want to wake up and find myself wasted and lost many years yet i would have found happiness if i did trusted my instincts.
I don't know about many things but i do know i don't like the life am living now.
I don't like being lied to
Emotional abuse isn't any better than physical abuse, all is abuse
I don't like being taken for granted, cos i treat people with care and concern as they deserve
i deserve the same
Why do i let myself got through this again and again?
Is it because am naive?
is it because am a blind lover?
why do i keep falling for the same lies again and again?
what is wrong with me?
What will my children think of when i explain to them?
will be a fool or a role model..?
I must leave and live a better life