Tuesday, 11 December 2012

Foundation of Forgiveness

We need to forgive:
  • For things done to us
  • For things said about us
Where there is betrayal forgiveness is close

For things done to us
  • Happens when a person very dear to us breaks trust we got for them
For things said about us
  • Happens when the very dearest talk ill behind our backs
Whether you decide to stay r leave after any kind of betrayal. forgiveness is paramount. I will focus on those who decide to stay. You should ONLY opt to stay when the other party is willing to mend their ways.

Often, we will encounter betrayal, what matters most is how we react, at least that is in our capacity to control.
Forgiveness is a very wide topic. It is our day to day life. It involves disengaging with all the anger, resentments, pain, heartaches that you may have accumulated all years. Its a new beginning. A new slippery walk. You've got to have the stamina to achieve the results.

Forgiveness is holding a funeral for all the injustices done to you and burying them. It involves self love. You need to accept it wasn't your fault. Its a choice they made anyway oblivious of  the consequences. Its very sad you are the bearer of the consequences.

We all react differently when faced with such i.e

  • Walk Away
  • Play Victim
  • Play Judge
  • Withdraw in anger
  • Verbal and Emotional abuse
  • Silence
  • Blame
  • Live in denial
All of the above result in more anguish leaving you almost helpless. If you feel angry, hurt isn't time to talk about it. You have got to wait till you are calm, at least. You must not remain mum about the issue, it will destroy you. You must let the other party explain and be a great listener. It will be a moment of truth, most likely they will bear it all as their actions aren't a secret anymore.

Don't argue much, it will drain your energy . Don't play victim, it will strain your mind, it was out of your control. Don't play judge, you have no clue on why they did what they did. 

They could be remorseful of their actions but they sure need to explain breach of contract. You must not let yourself feel helpless

The most important thing is you, despite being wronged. Two wrongs don't make a right, restrain from name calling. Time is a healer, it has healed wounded souls, it reveals hidden secrets, it unearths a dark past. Give everything time. Time ensures forgiveness finds its path

Self-abuse is declaring war on the accused. You are capable of handling the worst betrayal. You have been designed to get a solution to anything that comes your way. think about the worst thing that ever happened to you. Are n't you glad you sailed through? do the same. learn and move on.

Acknowledge your emotional breakdown, this is the first step to liberty.
Acceptance teaches how to let go. Its a food for your soul.

No one can formulate forgiveness, its invaluable. Once you take that route you don't go back. Its an act of faith, that cleanses a soiled heart.

You must not worry what the other person will think if you decide not to up their expectations. Its your happiness that matter after all. Be a believer that you can rise above the heights of obstacles that come your way. Be confident in your own decision making, listen to your heart, you will never go wrong. There will be no room for wishful thinking.

Forgiveness open doors of Love, shuts doors of bitterness, seals resentments and keeps the hope alive. you need to resist.

Being focused towards the goal will surely keep you determined and you will have the energy to fight on when things are grey. Remind yourself why you need this so bad. Do a list of the good that you will reap, meditate on that.

Keep doing things that will motivate you stay positive.  You have got to know forgiveness is not a feeling but a choice, that you agree to live with the consequences of  other person's error. It is your obligation to ensure you have found new peace.

Its not over yet until you can trust again, Its not the end if you still harbor ill feelings about the offender. The day you look back and laugh off at how far you have come, you are over it. When you meet your betrayer and you got lots of peace within and still you can share a joke, you are healed.

Cheating is a serial killer, it robs one joy, it destroys relationships, it kills family ties it haunts one forever.  Forgiving a spouse who has cheated on you, can be self-destructive. you are always worrying. We all are different though, if you are able to forgive and still live with them, Bless you, you are among the few. a cheater should only be forgiven if he has shown remorse and even went further to seek for  professional help.

If you have can't trust someone, you just cant love them, you have got to let them go. Trust is the most important thing in any relationship. Good byes are difficult, But they sure are worth it. You get a chance to explore.

I have become a trust enemy. My hubby's every move translates to infidelity  that is excusable, i feel he is not doing enough to gain my trust once more. He has kinda left me out naked to sort me out  i do feel loner in this relationship. the other day, i woke up felt the urge to go home and off i went. Of course i have made some difficult and expensive decisions out of anger only to regret later. We did get through the matter and the only thing that still linger, he said, " Joan, i know you still believe in us, I will not let our Love die, i will personally fight for it"
"I have not been doing my part(Am sorry)". That did sound like someone who have made up their mind. Isn't easy to have someone commit, am blessed.

That kinda calmed my fears, i did feel like he left all to me, to figure it out. I feel like he took me for granted, he took my forgiveness for a right. I did feel hurt. I was done trying to make the marriage work. He didn't take my Regret letter for an answer, he in fact told me we got so many unresolved issues that we need to tackle, and its true.

Its amazing how much my spouse knows me. We communicate even without a conversation and that is a good sign, we connect despite all hurdles.He feels my commitment to forgiveness, he feels my pain, i see remorse and i want to give it a chance. When you love someone, you go to unbelievable heights to make a relationship work.

My spouse was only twenty, when we had our first born. He was young, radiant, full of life and now was faced with responsibility. He told me the other day that he didn't have any one to hang on for comfort, he was traumatized  and an affair although it did break his heart it was the only way of pressure release. He identifies with any brother who has the same experience as his. I still feel it was a   stupid, unhealthy and selfish decision, that we all are feeling the consequences. The

I do try not to get  defensive, isn't easy though. we both need a healthy relationship, w need to get matters solved soberly. When i get off the line, he brings me back, at least he knows am healing. He too is on the change process.he needs to let his guard down, he needs to show what he really feels. that is the only way we can build a future. My trust gains a pound a day, its a process. He doesn't mind being held accountable for anything that would be alarming, a good sign of a man who is ready to change.

Signs of a changing spouse
  • Accountable if alarm goes off
  • You still have a connection
  • One who is ready to submit to professional help
  • One who doesn't mind giving up his security rights i.e passwords
Life would sure not be the same after a painful experience but you sure can get over it. Accept you cant change what happened  Life goes on anyway  you may even have a better living after the experience as you are now a learnt fellow. Don't worry about what hasn't happened, trust again, love again if you must. Forgive and take charge of your life. you will not regret your decision to make a bold step.

Don't suppress your feelings, if you are sad tell it. If you have given it a go with your spouse, tell them when you are unhappy, what you feel, why you may be sad.it does work wonders.
 changing to a new it doesn't happen in a day, its a process. When you feel frail, talk to someone you can trust, one who will provide a shoulder. at times that all we want. Yo

We have all been hurt, we all react differently but we do share a common value..forgiveness. we all need to forgive the person who hurt us and also deal with the act. Overcome the urge to drown in your own fears, trust the power within you to move mountains. Prayer always calms a shaken soul, be positive no matter what stay positive.

Hope for a better you, Believe you can grow out of the sorrowing cloud, there is grimace of hope, look at the rainbow. Its always good to associate yourself with the people who will help you grow. Avoid the negative energy, focus on a better happy future.

Remember The good Lord above is always with you and will give you the strength to cope. Stay real to yourself, Smell roses when you can, appreciate the little beautiful things that come your way.

It is rewarding to be aware of your environment, there are things that can make your coping detrimental, friends can be good and ugly. Focus on the good, look forward to be a better tomorrow. Learn from every experience, teach yourself not to hold on any grudge, learn how not t resent, keep working on growing yourself to be  a better person, one whom anger will fly at your sight.

Resentments destroy our lives, it deterioration our health. Many are terminally ill because they are holding on to something that should have been dealt with years back. You have got to break the cycle, you have got to expose your fear, you have got to deny feeling guilty for their mistake, remember it was their choice, you did nothing wrong.

Relationships have been broken, families are in turmoil because everyone is battling within. we need to ask tough questions if we need to get along this unpredictable life.
At times you may feel exhausted, and the only option would be to give up, you just need to hang on, there is power and strength within  yourself, you can move around.

Always when hope is grim, despair takes control and you are left for the dead, things usually take a turn. You can begin again with what remains. Everything under the universe wasn't built in a day, some took years. why would you want to be an exception, unwrap your life one day at a time. It can be frustrating if you want to do ten years job within a day.

When you get your healing path things get easier to understand, things change, friends turn foe, family neglect you but you get stronger cos they don't stop your life unless you let them. Anybody who has  traveled this road knows very well how forgiving can be time consuming, u feel caged, frustrated, disappointed  who said forgiveness is easy? but it is the best gift you can give to yourself. Betrayal is inevitable, how you handle it is optional. You must strive to get over it with a calm mind, you emerge stronger.

A nagging thought 'it was my fault' can be haunting, it keeps ringing every hour but you have got to stamp on it and listen to your heart lots of inspiration would be oozing from it. Do what will help you grow, write a book, indulge in a new hobby, join a support group, seek therapy, there are lots of options to help you get over it. Always imagine yourself inspiring others wearing a smile cos it will happen someday.

Its never the end, unless you declare it to be, let it be your beginning, its your dawn, A new Morning, A new day, fill in the blanks with  a positive attitude. Acceptance saves you from depression, don't let it rule over you, be the master and say no to pain. You must embrace your feelings, if you feel hurt deal with it, if you feel you like crying please do, everything will turn out good.

You must become a fighter, you must soldier on, you must never give up on what you believe in, you must always focus on the goal. You must not let nothing stop you, even when you feel frail and out of strength soldier on. You must get your way out, there is always a way out of every obstacle, figure it out, get creative, do what you must do. There is unspoken joy after a struggle, i assure  you, you will appreciate yourself more.

Hate and anger does cause pain and resentment that only do harm to you, you have got to let go what you still holding on if it is negative..choose today to be set free. Free from your wicked past, free from betrayal. The willingness to punish your offender always result in disappointment  cos they don't react as you want them to.

I have used tough and strong language against my spouse, it always backfires on me, it hurts him and i end getting hurt more, one for saying them words and second for seeing the damage i do to our relationship.

I made a decision to let myself heal, to trust him,he gave me every reason to. Whenever thoughts of doubts would cross my mind, i would gladly shut them off, i had already given them enough room and it was time to deal with them. You feel whole again, you feel free. Life gets a new meaning.

You have a relationship to protect, it could be with yourself and others, you need to forgive yourself before you can extend it to others. Forgiveness is two way. You may also be the betrayer whom guiltiness has taken a toll on. Forgive yourself and learn from the mistake. Any one else who comes into your life, treat them better.

Always focus on the end result, you will not loose focus. As you embark on the healing lane, be conscious of your reaction to different situations in your life. You must not let the victim in you influence you in making hasty and bad decisions. If there is no peace within ourselves we tend to make decisions we would normally not do and they can be expensive. i have traveled that road i can ascertain that.

Holding onto un forgiveness steals your vision as you tend to focus much on anger, hurt, resentment. You have got to get out of the smoky house and wipe out them tears, you will otherwise be suffocated.

Be fair to yourself, acknowledge the reality-you have been hurt or you have a hurt a soul, you need time to heal, its a process, live a day at a time. Don't get disappointed when you get to the route of doubting yourself to trust again. It is part of the process.

There is part of us that love to hold on to a grudge, we feel its justifiable  playing victim massages our ego but we in fact do more harm to ourselves. People too take time to change a habit, give yourself and others ample time. Expect imperfection from them, give room for mistakes and you will be happier understanding than confronting, but i don't mean you let yourself be disrespected.

You must be ready to work on your vices and every day practice on how to overcome them. If you get back to the start, do it again, do what works for you, focus on the good. Compliment yourself when you go for a day without fail, cos i know it aint easy.

Once i discovered what my spouse had done, i got into a habit of checking his phone just to be sure, because my mind was still bruised all i saw was infidelity  and did take a toil on me and our relationship, we constantly fought battles that should have been there. We were headed to a battle zone until he sat me down and told me, i got to trust him, what i was doing was hurting what we were trying to build again. I promised myself never to sneak into his in-boxes ,to date am on a clean state and things changed.

You are the only person who knows yourself best, no explanations would make anyone understand you. Don't let unhappy thought distract your blessed day, Never let an opinion weigh you down, people don't know what you are going through, ignore them. Don't seek any one's advise, most will tend to be biased. if you have decided to forgive your spouse, you are the only person who understands your decision. If you decide to leave, oblivious of a non-remorseful partner  get out quietly and deal with the stresses of separation else where. You know best what is best for you, listen to yourself. you know best about the cons and pros of your decision.

While you are on the journey of forgiveness,do appreciate yourself more, you may have never imagined this would happen to you, like i did. You get to discover how prepared you are when a calamity strikes, you feel proud of yourself.

Focus on the positive aspects of life, don't let the negative ones destroy your joy. Accept your concern for the fear and butterflies that will oftentimes fill your stomach. Learn to live true to yourself and when the betrayer makes changes to make you happy, tell them and be grateful.This will  encourage them to even please you more.

Let forgiveness drive out anger, all the resentments, and let the clean beautiful soul remain. Replace the pain you feel with a loving heart. Let love be the judge. Be the change you want to see in your relationship. If you want to see things change, you must be willing to go an extra mile, you must take the first step..at the end of the road every experience you have been through and every tear as you sailed through the rugged seas, it will be worth it.

You may go through a phase where you feel you can trust as you did, you cant hold on as you used to. You may not have much strength to trust any promises from them especially, change of character. Some how you will always feel afraid of the unknown especially another heart break. i have been there done that and am better now. Am amazed by myself, on how much i haave been able to heal and rebuild my trust for my spouse. i no longer feel like it ios necessary to spy on him. It finally feels home.

Its so difficult to focus on forgiveness when your spouse constantly does the same things that lead to infidelity. They make you loose interest in them
even love can be re-born

I do feel like i would be betraying myself by leaving my spouse. i would leave him vulnerable  up for worse. He got so much in his closet that if i left he would feel so naked. But am not his keeper, i feel i assist him get sober, but that's my problem, i think i can fix him. the bitter truth is that, i cannot. He has made his choices to be selfish and the consequences zero down to me.

Things don't always happen as planned. Ensure you got a plan B, just in case.A change is a process, be kind to yourself and others.They are like baby steps, you stand you fall, you crawl, the joint hurts, you fall so many times till you walk. we all know it  isn't easy  you need loads and tonnes of patience especially with yourself cos when your insecurity turns up you hurt people and ends up getting hurt even more. You tend to hate yourself but be good to yourself.

As you embark on this journey of forgiveness you tend to have so many questions, and you risk being a nag. Watch the kind of questions you ask if they are often its time to focus on something else. Focus more on yourself, once you are comfortable with yourself it is easy to cope with the significant other.

Differences never drew couples apart, the handling of the differences is the culprit. Deal with the issue and not the person(although it is difficult not to associate the doer with the action). They should be a lesson to both parties on the responsibilities in the relationship.

All successful and happy relationships consist of compromise, sacrifice, communication, constant forgiveness and understanding, loads of compliments and use of the magical words(please, thank you). Great relationships are not only hard work but TOO. Avoid resentments at all costs, they damage happy people, always communicate your feelings. Your partner will appreciate your effort to sort out things other than being mum and unresponsive, i can ascertain these.

You must believe in yourself, in your spouse and your union if you need to see maturity. If you believe in something, you always strive to be at your best, you will reap the great fruits, dont you despair. With Love no obstacle should be a hurdle, Love conquered the worst battle, it can fight for your marriage, it can fight for your friendship, it will do it for you just let it be.

Keep vigilant of the things that bring conflict, avoid them. Although human nature is to rebel, be the person your spouse loves to hang around with. Be kinder, what they love do it more. Let the misunderstandings you face be challenges that will let you be creative dynamic in your solving skills.Same problems can be solved differently every time. Avoid the attack phrases that tend to stretch you two even further apart, remember at the end of the day you still need your spouse. You don't want to leave them bruised with hurtful words that you said to them.

When times are tough always get to see a good in every negative. Believe in yourself, your confidence will attract your life desires. You get what you are looking for. Strive for the best marriage, strive to be the best employee/er, treat people with care and concern. Forgiveness heals wounded careers, it restores ailing personalities. A grudge imprisons you to a cage of unhappiness, terminal illness, make a decision to forgive yourself and others.

Most of us are guilty not because we hurt others but cos we let ourselves down. We are our own enemy, we must let go and forgive ourselves. when you feel like you are running out of energy, surround yourself with positive environment  have faith in yourself. You must be happy and at peace with yourself if you want to be happy in your relationships.

As opposed to seeing what your partner is contributing to the problem, be the solution focused person, you could be the problem. Wear their shoe too, spend a day in their world, yo may learn something about them that you never had. Truth be told, people don't decide to be unfaithful, friendships don't just break, there is always a series of negative energy that been built up. It is advisable to work on disagreements head on. Resentments should never find a room in your heart. Learn to be a good communicator.

Appreciate yourself more, Invest in you, The people who hurt you may not always understand their selfish behavior did have consequential outcome, they may never apologize or even make an effort to change. It isn't your business what they do, deal with yourself let them go, life has its own way of revenge.

Holding on to resentments binds you to that person, you are imprisoned to them, forgiveness gives you freedom. If its your spouse, if you decide to forgive them, don't remind them of the past for a present mistake. Forgiven spouses too battle with guiltiness and it does take a toll on them. they too need to heal. They need your support too as much as you need to hold them accountable for their actions.

Forgiving myself was the best thing i could do to myself. Forgiving my spouse was the best thing i did for our marriage. We are happier, we never get enough of each other, we love each other's company. We are better communicators, better parents, better friends. Blessings in time of disguise.

When you think about your spouse and all that comes in your mind is divorce, please let your feelings be known to them. Have a tete a tete with them. Let your spouse be your confidant, nothing brings happiness to the soul, than knowing someone loves you unconditionally and you can count on them for any kind of support.

Understand your emotions, you will at times be filled with so much doubt about your spouse and like me you feel you will be better if you walked away. I struggled with this issue and am lucky i got a spouse whose resilience towards our marriage has made us even stronger, i never stop to remind him he is the pillar of our marriage, he is the anchor that hold us together. One time after my doubting escapades(they often lead to disagreements that were turned ugly) he asked me
" what will you gain after our break up?"

The best revenge you can do to a person is to forgive them. Let your act of greatness haunt them forever. Often, they learn not to hurt people intentionally. Refuse to feel sorry for yourself, Refuse to be an excuse for their mistake. Refuse to be a door bell to their behavior. Forgive them anyway.

We have impedious power within ourselves. What you feel about yourself have got a great impact on your future. What you see when you are faced with a problem, determines how many will remain in your network. Our subconsciousness seal our fate with our friends with our behavior  Watch what you do, everyone is going through something and they need encouragement  be their support system, do to them what you would love to be done to you.

Every day is a forgiveness day. we all are different personalities, expect different reactions from people, expect different opinions from them and respect it and you will see how well you will get along with them. We often feel frustrated when people don't share our school of thought, our diversity brings harmony. It creates a benefit of doubt, that at times calms our fears.

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