He didn't come last night. he spent the night in a hospital. he is unwell and that kinda makes me sad, not so sad to make me loose sleep. am really getting out of his co-cone and am loving it!and it doesn't change my position in this relationship.
A week earlier he told me we should start ll over gain and forget our painful past. Of course i bought the idea(i always want us to be a complete family) but few days later he had a date with one of his girlfriend.
Who does that? His words always contradict his actions. Something in me tells its all over that i will be lucky one day. Its sad when children are involved, worse when they get to be raised by one parent.
Our parents sacrificed their happiness for their children(us) and even after we left they are still having problems, that haunts me. I want to do things differently and am sure the end result will be different. i will better off that i tried to get a better life than stay and be sorry.
I have got issues, with myself that i need to resolve first before getting into any other relationship. i don't wanna a carry a baggage of resentments, grudge forward. I need to forgive myself, my past and not compare my prince to all jerks that i have been with.
I really feel for my babies, i see a great tomorrow, a promising future full of fun and wealth but sadly i don't see their dad. My dad will act as a dad to them for now. From the look of things, i don't even want to be a friend to their dad, may be he has hurt me so much, may be am still on the road to calmness and forgiveness.
I have not been so hurt by even my former exes and the hatred i feel for the dad is inexpiable he has wasted my six precious years.
To achieve a sense of peace and harmony i have got to forgive him and move on.
I sent him this text today "Every day you give me a reason not to trust you, Every time you show me am just a passing wind in your life. i have been through so much in this relationship and i don't have much strength left for more. i don't want to go through the same when am forty, please save the dowry for someone else i don't deserve it. please make your dad understand(he believes in us). He replied saying how wrong in was that he wasn't seeing anyone but am now used to that line. its all lies.
He wants to eat his cake and still have it, so selfish of him. therapists say, for a partner to stray you must have pushed him to, that almost doesn't make sense to me, cos even after we have iron out our issues he still goes back. That so typical of him and i pity the one he settles down with, he will never change, she will have to have a thick skin.
someone said Forgiveness brings a kind of peace that helps you go on with life. i got to do that, but who said its easy, one time you want total vengeance, you want to take a gun and shoot them, you also want to give them a chance to live and watch karma catch up with them.
Every passing day i got this mixed feelings of guilt and despair, and joy too. i know leaving him will have a negative impact on my children but a positive one on my side.
My younger sister one time told me about his infidelity but i brushed her off(guess i was in love) also he denied saying he was clean. That took a toil on my relationship with my sister and we didn't talk much. i tell all women out there if, a sister, neighbor, friend, colleague points out something to do with your man's infidelity don't just brush it off do your homework. they cant be so wrong.
I remember the day i uncovered the truth, i recalled all what my sister had told me but blatantly ignored. no wonder there are many in prisons sentenced out of ignorance.
am doing fine and wonderful without him. I long for the day he will cross my mind and still smile, no feelings of anger or resentment. Its a rough journey but its worth it.
He told me to have a to do list after he promised he would change(after staying late night trying to get a solution, never again) and make me a happy gal (of course it didn't happen). i came up with the following:
- Love only me and Let me be your number one
- text me every day, all the days of your life and REM All Juicy and beautiful texts belong to me.
- Always tell me the truth. Truth is the first thing necessary to create trust in our relationship. I believe Respect is earned from trust, and love is earned from respect. Intimacy is the lovely priceless gift we get when we risk telling the truth.
- Am the ONLY beautiful gal that will always exists in your world...hahaha..Sorry!
- Even when things get rough, we remain to be friends.
- Heart, soul and mind should know we are married and act like one!
- Never let a day go by without saying and showing how much our relationship mean to us and we Should always remind each other the love we have for each other.
- hug, hug anytime. a hug from behind is always welcome
- We will not asleep as long as one party is offended...we will stay awake till we get a solution even if It means not sleeping at all!!
- Truth is the first thing necessary to create trust in our relationship. Respect is earned from trust, and love is earned from respect. Intimacy is the gift we get when we risk telling the truth. Shall we?
- We shall have a vacation for just the two of us every year and several dates all year round
- We shall be involved in each other’s goals and vision and help achieve them
- We get exactly what we focus on. The problem or the solution..let us(esp me)focus on the solution
- We shall not use any negative or hurtful remark
- We shall remain faithful to each other no matter what!! self-control is a gift of the Holy_Spirit
- We shall pray for each other, for our relationship, our children together and when apart
- When there is a different opinion on a decision we shall settle on the best after weighing the risks
Someone said: .
Unconditional love is an inside job. If you haven't gotten it by now, guess what...start working from within. When you can give it to yourself, you'll be ready to give it to someone else. If you can give it to someone else, you'll recognize it when it's given to you.